On cancer and the way he invades.

 

How do I put this in words?

Only one word. Cancer. My man has cancer. In his lungs and brain.

First time I heard it last Saturday. I cried. I was scared. I did not know. There was only one word in my mind. Cancer. Is he going to die? Is he going to live?

It all started after my last post. He became sick in the stomach and slowly became very weak and could not walk. His left arm was weak. He was rushed into an ambulance. And then in the boat. And then in another ambulance. Into the hospital.

I had to care of everything. Take care of luggage. Take care of the dog. And the bird. And the trip. An angel friend picked me up and took me, Freeda and the canary back home in the middle of the night. And then I rushed to the hospital.

The doctor called me. She said it's cancer. Who do I call?? What do I say? Why? Why us? Fuck you cancer!

Do I tell him? Of cource I do. He has the right to know. He is strong enough to know. Our friends know. And the miracles begun. In three days he gets up. Starts walking and laughing again.

He becomes his real wonderful self. He said he is going to fight it. Friends stand by us. My parents and my sister stand by us. They offer us all the love in the world. They offer us ways to heal it. They offer us true love and compassion. And laughter. That's what I need. Laughter. No stories about people who die. I need compassion. Understanding.

This story brought me very close to my own death. The things I have't done yet, the travels I postpone for later, the things that exhite me and I have an excuse not to do them yet.

It's been more than a week now. He is still in the hospital.

I am calmer. I don't cry anymore. Not every two minutes.

There are two options.

In the first one he gets over it. We have a great party. We live happily ever after.

In the second one we put up our best white clothes and we say goodbye dancing and laughing about the passing of his soul to another level. We will need a jazz-blues band for the goodbye party.

I would rather believe that this is the time for healing. For me and for everybody. It is time for me and for everyone to see what is important. Who is important. I believe in true joy. I am strong and he is strong. I have the feeling that either way we will stand up to this with true and unconditional loving.

Does unconditional loving mean let him go? Yes. I will try to let him go. If this is his decision.

But I do want to see more of his painting. I do want to see more of his art. I do want to see more of him. I'll stand by him whatever he decides. I do love him.

Have a good day.

On snails and other aphrodisiacs

Sifnos was home to a cook named Tselementes. He is quite famous and he even wrote a book on cooking. What I remember being hilarious in his book, is that in the preface he writes things like how a good wife should be, how she must prepare the family table, how she must be always ready for visitors etc. Which means things I don't ever do in my kitchen, and I don't think anybody does nowadays...

Anyway that was not why I started talking about Tselemendes. I started because yesterday, we went to a food festival in his memory. We tried some of the divine foods they make here in the Cyclades, not only in Sifnos, but all the islands. Xinomitzithra from Kimolos, a light, soft, spreadable cheese. Petroti from Tinos, a very hard cheese, thus the name (petra means rock). Every island has it's own cheese and I don't even remember their names...

And then I tried snails for the first time in my life! They make them in many places in Greece, but this time it was made by the guys of Kythnos. All they said was "suck it hard"! Ha ha ha ha! You suck until the -cooked- snail comes out of it's shell and to my taste it was not as discusting as I'd expect it to be! In fact, it was delicious and very aphrodisiac I must say... I think it was all the sucking... ha ha ha!

Last but not least the infamous chick peas of Sifnos, boiled for 8 hours with onions in a special ceramic pot, in a wooden oven... Simply heaven. Before we left the feast we were so full! These guys are very good cooks...

In the meantime, the weather is wonderful and very hot.

Poulati

Another day we visited Poulati, a rocky site where we almost drowned trying to swim between the rocks, it was very windy and dangerous. Fortunately we did not drown and we continued to the sandy beach of Fasolou and had a coffee at Faros...

It's funny, I've been here three months and I only just started discovering the beaches I only heard about... I think I am blessed to be able to swim in the sea at this time of the year...

And thanks to all of you who commented on my last post, you inspire me to continue writing and travelling!

Vacation in September... for the first time

Speaking with my sister, she said I haven't written much lately. I told her I don't want to write about my every day life. And she said, that was what I was doing all this time!

It's amazing, when I started the blog, I was all exhited about writing. And now I don't want to write because I think my writing is not important... And then someone is complaining because I don't write as much... I feel grateful for the comment and here I am, writing again!

Well, the past few weeks I was babysittning this wonderful 4 year old in the afternoons.

And now, I am on vacation. I think I feel a little guilty to be on vacation when everybody else is back in Athens working really hard, if they are working at all... And then I have to remind myself that I did work really long hours (12 hours per day) throughout June, July and August and I do deserve a bit of vacation!

So, today, I woke up with my beloved man - whom I did not see at all when we were both working - and we went fishing! He made a fishing rod from bamboo and fishing line and another fishing line for octopus! of course we didn't catch anything, but it was fun, going up and down the big rocks barefoot! Even Freeda had a nice time, I left her off her lead, she climbed a big mountain looking for goats! She came back with her tongue hanging out of her mouth and a big smile on her face!

September weather is really kind for us and we have a couple of weeks to enjoy the island...


Have a nice day...

The end of the summer

And then, the automn comes.

The days are shorter.
The air is colder.
Sweet September will be here in three days.
You can feel it in the air. 

Back in June it was the same. It was cold and cloudy. But you had a whole summer to look forward to. Now the summer is coming to a close. And you contemplate your summer. The things you allowed to happen. The beautiful images the island gave you. The hot days. The burning sun.

Every summer I look at the sea and think: I will take this image with me to warm me up in the winter. I try to be in the moment, so that it stays with me for the rest of the year. Until the summer comes and another beach comes in front of my eyes.

Light and love

I can't believe it's almost three months we are in Sifnos... When we came, the island was empty, only a few tourists and the camping was empty. Then July came and it became busy. Then August came and the crowds kept coming...

Some really wonderful people came my way. That's what I like about changing places. You make friends, you talk about different things and experiences... 

Even with all these ups and downs with work, life was so interesting here... All these children I met were so giving and wonderful... It's a miracle to see a child smile and laugh and eat and play! It's a miracle when a child uses imagination to make a new game or tell a new story...

These children opened a new door for me. I already knew I was talented at connecting with them, but they clearly showed me I'm good. Is life going to take me further into dealing with children?

Let's see. All options are open and welcome. Life is a true miracle...

There is somehting childish about this summer...

 So I spent five relaxing days in Kamares, Sifnos. Swimming in the sea, sleeping a little bit longer, talking with friends....

Yesterday morning I found another job. I'm going to babysit a 4 year old. The mother of this child knew me because her 4 year old was playing every day with my 7 year old. So she asked me to baby sit him in the afternoons when she is very busy.

I felt my work as a child sitter was appreciated. It felt great. It felt like it was worth quitting my other job.

Now my mornings are free and my afternoons are full of child energy again. And, this time I can take Freeda with me. It's so wonderful...

And another thing. This 4 year old grows up the way I would like to grow MY child up. He is bare foot all day, in the sea all day, free to enjoy nature and play. He eats if he is hungry, he sleeps if he is tired. He is free to fall and there is a big hug for him by both his parents if he falls.

Have a nice day!

The end of anger.

That's it. I quit. Yesterday. I can take my dog and go for a coffee. I can go to the beach. I can stay in bed all day.

Yes, the whole situation was mirroring my inner feelings. The way I treated myself. The way I was abusing myself. For what? For the money? Stop. Stop abusing yourself honey. There is no point. Forgive yourelf for all you think you have done wrong. Please forgive yourself. There is nothing wrong with your decisions. They are only decisions and you can always change your decisions.

I look around me. The mountains are still the same. The sea is still there.

Why the drama? Why the tears?

No more tears please. I am on a beautiful island and I have money in my pocket. I'll take my time to relax and maybe travel a bit around the island. If I find another job, it will be wonderful. If I don't it will still be wonderful.

Have a nice day.

Thinking of change

It's been a month now and I still haven't commented on my bosses nature.

He acts a lot like my dad. Big ego, very negative, very judgemental... I thought my days with these kinds of bosses were over, but here I am, working with a personality I cannot handle.

Whatever I do, I'm never good enough, I am making a lot of mistakes and I don't care about my job, I don't care about him or his kid... Deep inside I knew what he was like when I first met him in Athens. I realised I was not mistaken when I first came here. Being in such a nice scenery I decided not to care about it. I know who I am and what can I do. And I always do my best. Then he asked me to take care of his kid. And I did it gladly. Me and the kid, we became very good friends. I tried to reach his heart. I tried to listen to him. And we got along really well.


Until he got sick with diarrhea. And I stood beside him. I stayed up all night to take care of him. I told him it would be over soon. I did my best with this lonely, broken child....


And I was to blame for the sickness. I was to blame for lack of clean manners. I am washing both the daddy's clothes and the son's clothes by hand everyday and I'm lazy. I'm just having a good time.

So here is the question. Will I expect to be accepted by someone who never will? No. Thank you very much.


I am flerting with the idea to change jobs. Change from a fancy store to cleaning rooms or something. Will I do it? I don't know yet. I'll see. It's only one month to go. August.


I haven't made the final decision yet.


For now, I will enjoy my last 8 days with the kid. And then I will decide.

PS Blogger is being funny and will not let me upload any pics...

On kids

What do you do when a child pushes your limits?

Do you get angry? Do you yell at him? Do you have the patience to explain yourself?

All these questions are in my mind lately. Children can be very cooperative and fun, but children can also be a pain in the ass. Sorry about my lack of other words...

Sometimes my good energy seems to work with children. Little Rosa, from Belgium, was in a very bad mood. She was very sad that she would leave behind me and Freeda and the camping. She made me cry when she gave me a giggle when I kissed her belly... She was so sweet!

On the other hand, the child I care for these days is much older and very angry because of a bad divorce. He sometimes takes it out on me. The nanny. Sometimes I am calm and I respect his emotions. But sometimes I lose my patience and scream at him. Is this the way I am treating my inner child? My angry, unexpressed  inner child? Maybe.

It is very interesting when one interacts with kids. They have a whole different perspective about the world.

Kids are not easy. You have to think about every word you say. Every move you make. Because they will copy you in no time. They will show you what you don't like in yourself. And they will show you what you love about yourself...

Easy living

Kamares by night

Hot, hot, hot weather...

One yellow butterfly on the beach...
Yellow, glittering sand on my feet...
Children playing around me...

I will not let my mind blow it all away. I am enjoying every moment on this island. It's a blessing. i could not even imagine that this summer I would live something so intense.

I will stay with the child until the 10th of August. A whole month of child sitting. Games on the beach.

What more can one ask for! I will never forget this summer!