Journey to the unknown

So. Last thursday we went to hospital. He had 2 epileptic episodes. It was really frightening. Just before the ambulance came, he was shouting from the pain in his back bones. Cancer is spreading to his bones. Everywhere, the shoulders, the ribs, the legs, everywhere. We really thought he would die. The strong drugs the hospital gave him did not work. He was still in pain. But he did not die. He is not going to give up so easily. I have come to the point where I don't even talk about his cancer. I did not have the guts to say it's in his bones.

And where am I ? I am tired. Just tired. All these sleepless nights in the hospital... I come home every two days to have a shower and wash his clothes and mine. I dig deep to find patience. I dig deep to find humor. One moment I laugh and the other I'm crying. He is going away and we can't even talk about it.

While I take care of antonis, I work as a babysitter. Three days a week I go to the child for a few hours. It's so refreshing to play with a four-year old who does not know anything about dying, hospitals and the like. On New Years Eve I had to go to work. Noone else volunteered to stay with Antonis. Not even his father. So I arranged for a nurse. It was his present for the new year. Nurses don't collapse. Nurses know how to bathe someone who is in pain. Nurses know how to change sheets while the patient is in bed. He was so sedated from the painkillers, he did not even know it was New Years Eve...

And I was with the child. And the love that surrounds a child. His name is Filippos. It means "friend of horses". He is my mirror.

the strong man he once was

Tomorrow Antonis is coming home. He barely walks anymore. I have to make arrangements to the house so he can mive from the bed to the chair more easily without having to walk around. It scares me. he can't be alone anymore. Someone has to be near him all the time, 24-7. When I am away for 4-5 hours he calls me. He wants me there. He's scared. And he is very rude and impatient. He is in pain. Deep down he knows he is dying. And he is really scared. How does one accept his own death?

We read about death. We know we are eternal. Yet we are scared of it. Especially when we are young and beautiful and strong. That who Antonis was. A strong, beautiful loving man. We have been taught to be scared. We have been taught that death is a bad thing.Antonis is a small scared and very angry and bitter child now.

And I'm there. I'll be there till the end. The only thing I pray for is that he does not suffer.

What a journey, huh!

Have a good new year.