But then again, I might be too self critical. Besides, life works in circles. One day you're smiling, full of energy and the next you are crying, you don't want to get out of bed.

Let's see when this day comes when I get out of bed and I love myself so much...

Just like Freeda is so proud of the hole she dug some years ago!

Leading... not!

The more you dig the more you find. Today I found out I don't want to be the leading actor. Sometimes I say I want to, but my attitude shows the opposite. Remember the band that asked me to sing for them? I was so relieved to find out they found another leading singer... I had other things to do. I had to take care of my sick man. While I was working for my audition with them, I was hiding in my room, headset on, so noone could hear me practicing.

Remember when I left for Italy? It seemed the whole world was talking about me... And I came back. I came back to poverty. Came back to a lesser job in Sifnos. Came back to disease.

When did I lose this? It does not matter.

My self is here. Now. I need time and space. To get to know myself. All over again. "hello, my name is Elina. I like writing, travelling, singing, meeting people, I like talking, I like saving people from their misery!" Ha ha ha!

Too much analysis? Maybe. Too many words? Definately, many words and not so much action. It's my choice.

Digging deep inside... again

 From the very beginning, when we found out about cancer I started looking for help. Counseling. A psychologist who could help me get through this. I was not new in the counseling business so it was easy. Fortunately, this country has not yet fallen completely apart, so I found out there is a center providing free counseling for cancer patients and their relatives. It’s already been a couple of months that I see this wonderful lady. It is my “sacred” Wednesday appointment.
It’s where I can say anything and not be judged. It’s where I find things about myself I did not even know existed.

I also had a session with Tami. She connects with your spiritual guides. They told me about my “savior syndrome”. My teacher Jonah also talks about that in his message “Compassion”. All these teachers teach that there is a difference between showing lovingness and compassion and a different thing trying to save others. Taking responsibility for other people’s choices. The latter can make you sick.

(Two days ago, when I started writing this post, I was not sick) And now I have fever and a sore throat, and a pain in the back. Because I “had to” do something that was not mine. I had to save my man once again. From his choice of not settling his debt to the state. I new this all along. That he owes the state an awful lot of money. When the police caught him last year, I was running around to get money to bail him out. And then I gave him a deadline. He had to show up. To tell them he is not responsible for all this dept. I will not go into detail on how the system works in Greece which is fucked up anyway. But he had a four month deadline. And He did not do anything. And I left. And I came back. I still came back. And here I am, 2 years later 4 months after a diagnosis. In court for something I did not do. 2 years before this I had promised myself I will not save him again from this situation. And I did.  And now I’m sick. Yes, we can promise to ourselves we will make the right choices. The heart choices. And we can forget. And break the promises.

I’m trying to think of things I have done over the years for myself. Not much… I don’t even know what I like. No that’s a lie. I know what I like. And I ignore it. Because there is always someone to save, family and boyfriends, especially boyfriends. And friends.

I am the savior. And I am sick once more. The choices we make. The choices we refuse to make. So simple. So complicated. So…

See, on top of all this disease, I’m also digging deep into myself. And it’s not easy. Psychotherapy is not an easy business. It takes courage. Am I pushing myself too hard? Yes. As always.

The story so far

I want to write and I don't have anything to say.

We are back home since last Tuesday. He came on an ambulance. He came on a wheelchair. He could not walk, cause his left side was kind of paralysed.

As the days went past he feels better, he even walked to the kitchen (!) with my aid.

When we came back from the hospital, I was numb from the lack of sleep and the psychological pressure. I was in a trance. And the martyrdom continued at home. At 5 in the morning he wanted a hug. And I hugged him. And I cried. I cried really loudly! Because I wanted to sleep! It was like a torture! You want to sleep and they won't let you! I felt like I was being punished...

How can you give someone when you haven't given anything to yourself???

So we found a solution. A lady comes every night and keeps an eye on him. I think I am in heaven. Three days now I sleep from 11 till 7 in the morning. No interruptions. No martyrdom. We don't have a lot of money, but what we have she can have. She is such a gift... Sleep is such a gift... Three days now I am calmer. I give him the hugs and kisses and care he needs. I am there for him. I can handle it.

And we have abundance. Abundance of friends, of love, of phonecalls, of money, of messages, of food, of heat, of books, of music, of love-love-love and understanding.

See, I have many things to say.
Have a good day.

Journey to the unknown

So. Last thursday we went to hospital. He had 2 epileptic episodes. It was really frightening. Just before the ambulance came, he was shouting from the pain in his back bones. Cancer is spreading to his bones. Everywhere, the shoulders, the ribs, the legs, everywhere. We really thought he would die. The strong drugs the hospital gave him did not work. He was still in pain. But he did not die. He is not going to give up so easily. I have come to the point where I don't even talk about his cancer. I did not have the guts to say it's in his bones.

And where am I ? I am tired. Just tired. All these sleepless nights in the hospital... I come home every two days to have a shower and wash his clothes and mine. I dig deep to find patience. I dig deep to find humor. One moment I laugh and the other I'm crying. He is going away and we can't even talk about it.

While I take care of antonis, I work as a babysitter. Three days a week I go to the child for a few hours. It's so refreshing to play with a four-year old who does not know anything about dying, hospitals and the like. On New Years Eve I had to go to work. Noone else volunteered to stay with Antonis. Not even his father. So I arranged for a nurse. It was his present for the new year. Nurses don't collapse. Nurses know how to bathe someone who is in pain. Nurses know how to change sheets while the patient is in bed. He was so sedated from the painkillers, he did not even know it was New Years Eve...

And I was with the child. And the love that surrounds a child. His name is Filippos. It means "friend of horses". He is my mirror.

the strong man he once was

Tomorrow Antonis is coming home. He barely walks anymore. I have to make arrangements to the house so he can mive from the bed to the chair more easily without having to walk around. It scares me. he can't be alone anymore. Someone has to be near him all the time, 24-7. When I am away for 4-5 hours he calls me. He wants me there. He's scared. And he is very rude and impatient. He is in pain. Deep down he knows he is dying. And he is really scared. How does one accept his own death?

We read about death. We know we are eternal. Yet we are scared of it. Especially when we are young and beautiful and strong. That who Antonis was. A strong, beautiful loving man. We have been taught to be scared. We have been taught that death is a bad thing.Antonis is a small scared and very angry and bitter child now.

And I'm there. I'll be there till the end. The only thing I pray for is that he does not suffer.

What a journey, huh!

Have a good new year.

Christmas thoughts

The way we were

Every little choice develops a lifetime.

All my little choices have brought me-us here.

I'm not angry anymore. I'm just compassionate about myself and the situation.

It's Christmas and Antonis is slowly fading. His body betrays him. Every little step he makes is a victory. Literaly. He can't walk very well. He is in pain most of the time. Every bite he takes withought vomiting is a victory. Every hour he sleeps is a victory. He is too scared to sleep.

I just want him to be decent. I want him to be clean, dry and warm. Like a small child. The man has become a child. A child in pain. And it's Christmas. The house is full of twingling lights and christmas decoration. He deserves Christmas. Is this his last Christmas? No, don't think about that please! He is here now. Surrounded by love and compassion.

It's Christmas time kid! Don't cry. Everything is goin to be all right. Give me a big hug and all the pain will disappear.

My body aches too. From doing so much for him. My heart aches. Why did we bring ourselves to this? Is there a bigger picture we can't see?

I do sincerely hope there is a bigger picture I can't see. I do hope there is a purpose.

Have a merry, loving, supportive, delightful christmas.

Creativity will save the day

My week off has finished and it was really great.

We are well into december now and the streets are filled with christmas lights... And so is my house.

I am calmer and he is too. But he is also very weak. Very needy, Like a child. And I'm more patient with my patient - It rhymes! Like a friend said, I am love.

Because I took time off, someone invited me to sing in a group. A soul-funk group! Wow! I hadn't sang for at least 2 years! The first rehearsal went good, really good, with me improvising and feeling stressed...

These guys are such great musicians! Being a singer in band since I was an adolescent, I was always screaming to get my voice heard over everyone's egoistic playing. Quitarists, drummers, everyone was always playing too strong. This was the first time that the microphone was loud enough for me to listen to my real voice without screaming! This was the first time the band was stopping to hear my needs and help me with the parts! This was the first time I felt really relaxed. And - most imporantly - this was the first time a fellow player was brave enough to tell me my voice is exceptional.

It shows how I've changed. How I tell myself I'm great. This was a mirror. I need to work really hard if I want to be a lead singer, but I do love singing.

I did not believe in myself so I was in bands that always proved my not believing in myself.

I'm ready for a new start and this creative activity is going to help me go through all the rest that is going on in my life...

Have a good day.

From a distance

So last night I left the house. I took the dog and a suitcase and left. I'm sleeping at my best friend's house. Back in my old neighborhood.

Not even 24 hours away and I'm already feeling better.

No, I did not abandon him. I'm still going to go back. But it feels good to be away. To hear my friends talk about their new boyfriends and their parents and their problems and their schedules. It's good to listen to something different than radiation, chemotherapy, hospitals and drugs and special diets.

Thanks for all the support and comments...

Too much

 I'm dreaming. Dreaming about getting in a bus. A plane. A boat.

As soon as I dare dream of it, my man needs to get in the hospital, he needs to be taken cared of, he needs so much! And I can't do it anymore!

This relationship is fucked. Fucked by all the broken dreams. His broken dreams and my broken dreams.

One day he needs me and then when he is stronger again he becomes so arrogant and full of shit.

How about me leaving the relationship now?

It is so hard to be everything. The nurse and the friend and the mother and the sister and the friend and the father and the super market goer and the cook and the nurse again... No time to go to an internet cafe to check my e-mails, no personal life!

Is this what our mothers did? Is this the reason they are so angry with everyone, their husbands and children?

"Don't worry, I'll take care of everything!"

And then they forget. They forget their talents and their dreams and their knowledge and everything. Just like me. Acting like a mother and not like ELINA.

Fuck. The flame is really really weak. And I'm scared it's going to blow off. I want to escape. I want to go away.

And I'm scared because there is one little thing I know from Jonah. There is no escape. There is only resolvement. If I escape, I will only go into a new - even worse - situation like this.

Fuck. Not even poverty was so hard last winter. All the monsters have come to haunt me.

This is hardcore.

And I'm not worth it.

I'm not worth sleepless, crying nights.

I'm worth light. I'm worth abundance. I'm worth good friends and a home and children and animals.

I'm worth love and forgiveness.

I might look in the mirror tonight and offer me a smile.

And promise myself I'll change the darkness.

The monster and the flame

I have a monster.

My monster says I'm not worth anything.
My monster says I am useless, no good and all these nice things about me.
For the past year or so, I have been feeding this monster.
It is now really fat, ugly and scary.

This is why I haven't been writing. Last year I was so proud of this blog, so proud of my travels, so proud of everything. Feeding the monster has kept me so busy, I only write once a month now.

I have to thank my teacher Kanta for showing me my monster.

Yes, in theory, I am very spiritual, very balanced, very brave, very...

In practice, I am just feeding my monster.

About a week ago, when I learned about my monster, I realized I also have a flame. It is now the size of a candle flame. It is the flame of my real self. And I am learning again how to feed the flame instead of the monster.

Writing this moment I am feeding the flame instead of the monster.