Τρίτη, 4 Οκτωβρίου 2011
It is very dangerous. You are not the one with the disease, but you might act like you are.
And this is (was) my perfect plan.
All my life I have been trained to lose myself in different situations whether it was a relationship or a job.
But the bullshit is over. I have made a promise. I will not lose myself again.
I do love him and I will stand by him.
But I will not lose myself this time.
I am a traveller. And I will solve this. One promise. A little bit of time everyday for myself.
This morning I was walking my dog. I was thinking I need to make a sanctuary in the house just for me. On the mountain I found an armchair. Not very dirty. Not very old. Just perfect. My man - who by the way is much stronger and much hype with all the medication - helped me bring it home. I cleaned it very very well and put my own colourful soft fabrics on it. A small table, a light and a notebook. I might even put my sewing machine on this table... One step at a time.
Thank god I asked for help from a psychologist...
And I have a plan. Not to bullshit myself anymore. No more lies.
When I left for Italy, I had left many holes. I did not have any money. It was the perfect trap for me to come back to what I know.
Another thing I know how to do very very well is not believe in myself. I always try to get acceptance from outside.
And these are only small parts of what I trully do in my life.
I am searching all the patterns and all the fucking core beliefs that got me here.
I WILL light my darkness. I WILL change. And he will be alright. And this blog is about ME. My wonderful, angry, weak, strong SELF. Don't forget that. From now on I'll be so fucking selfish, you will not believe it. I will not bring disease just to start living and enjoying my true self.
My man is my teacher. I love him. He became sick just to show us that when you suppress your true self, your true creativity, you will end up sick.
And I do not think he wants anything from me, but to be my own true self. That is unconditional loving.
Hope you all thrive, like my teacher Jonah says you should. Have a good day.