the return

There is a certain strength in this line of mountains called the Alps.

Life has led me here. In the South East of France.

I found love here. Love and understanding. By a man and by a number of friends who smile and talk and have warm hearts. Is it the mountains? Is it the clean air? Is it the fact you are higher and talking to whatever God lies up there?

I have already talked about The Trieve. When I first came here, I was thinking "God, I would love to come back here!" What I did not know was that I would come again and again through the seasons, see snow, fog, rain, sun... I live so close to these mountains. I return to the smiles, these wonderful people.

More coming soon.

I Love You: three scary little words

When did we start fearing these three words?

I Love You.

Does "I love you" mean that you will not work anymore for the relationship? Any kind of relationship.

We are afraid to say it. 

We are afraid to hear it.  

I don't know why, these days this issue has come up in conversations. Boys and girls who will get terrified when they hear these three little words.

What does " love you" mean after all? We must search inside.

Does it mean I possess you? 

Does it mean I have the ability to hurt you?

Does it mean I am weak?

Does it mean it will last forever?

Does it mean you are in some kind of emotional prison?

Are these our subconscious thoughts behind the fear?

Is it impossible to love instantly someone and to tell them so? Is it a lie? Or is it just an emotion that overflows and has to be expressed with words? 

I love you means I expand with you.

I love you means I understand.

I love you means I am there for you, I think of you, I want to spend my moments with you.

I love you means I love me too.

We want to hear it so badly and when we do we withdraw. And it's sad. 

How many days, months, years must pass before you dare say it? Before you dare hear it? How many frozen moments? How many lost minutes in time and space?

Please say "I Love You". Say it now. Say it if you feel it. 

Please hear it when you listen to it and don't run away.

Miracles are just moments away....

The theatre journey

 I don't really know what drove me into joining the amateur theatre group of my city.
Or maybe I do know.
I missed the stage.
Till then, my experience was mainly musical, in choirs and rock/soul bands as a singer.

We started off with lessons. Acting, improvising, dancing, history, speech training...

The thratre gave me much more. it gave me friends. Lots of different characters. Whatever their luggage, they reserved their big smiles for these precious weekends they "sacrificed" to be in the classes. My first surprise was the lack of ego. Εgo is a big problem among artists. I had bitter experiences in the past by overblown egoes. This crowd was here to learn, to laugh, to make friends, to have fun.

It was a big surprise - and a secret longing - when we learned we would be in an actual play. To rehearse for a real performance. I ended up in two plays. A theatre play and a dancing performance...

We are going on stage in a couple of months. The pressure is already building. The rehearsals are a daily routine. We have to remember the steps, to express the feelings... There is a lot of tension and a lot of sweet moments. There are fights and tears. There are bravos' and congratulations. There is encouragement and tiredness and shouting. There are smiles.

There are precious moments in the process. Diving into the theatres' underground wardrobe/cloakroom to find the right garments for our performance. The smiles and teasing. Touching the fabrics. Funny hats, serious hats, striped ties and extravagant garments.

It is the proccess that matters most to me. We have a fight during the rehearsal and then we go and have a beer toghether, to fight off the exhaustion and cool off the tension.

Both our directors are charismatic people.
Our dance teacher/director has a unique way of pulling off our energies. 3-4-10 hours non stop she encourages us and yells at us. She is trying to bring out the best from us. She has the whole play in her head. She choreographed a half hour performance. Such a gifted choreographer/writer... At the end of the day it's her smile that counts.

Our second director is more of a chaos organizer. He takes chaos and he makes it into a performance. Very young but very passionate. Younger than me. There are times I want to smack him in the face. He has taught me to be patient with people. At the end of the day, the performance is starting to look really cool, whatever my aesthetic dissent. My ego was checked. I had to step back and conform for the sake of everone. Our play is a comedy and it is turning out to be hilarious.

Last but not least, my fellow players, my peers. There are no words to express my gratitude to these amazing people. Everyone was casted so perfectly for their corresponding roles. Learning their parts... all these pages and pages of script... I always found it difficult to learn the words for a song, let alone a page of script! I was lucky not to have much script in this play... And I have deep admiration for all the others who have all these words to learn!

I am enjoying the proccess so much, I do not want it to finish. The final performances are going to mark the end of these tense rehearsals. I hope they never come. This is one of the best journeys of my life. It's not the destination that matters. It's the love and hugs of the journey.

Thank you everyone, I bow before your greatness.

New letter to my dad

Christmas day.
I am not as loyal to this blog as I used to be. I used to write almost everyday. And now I write a couple of posts every month.

It's on my mind all the time. I am thinking about the new letter I want to write to my dad. A new letter to thank him for everything he is. Two years ago I wrote him a letter. I knew he did not read it back then. This time I know he will read both letters. And he will understand both of them.

So.

Dear dad.

Thank you. Thank you for being so patient with me. Thank you for disagreeing. Thank you for the loving, understanding environment you provided for me when I was a child. Thank you for keeping the door open for me. I knew the door was always open. And that is what gave me the courage to do every crazy thing I could think of. I knew the door was always open. To return.

You always wanted me to be strong. And I was. You wanted the best for me. And I did not always choose what was best for me. You wanted me to be fearless. Independent. And I was scared. Dependent. And I denied it. You wanted me to use my knowledge and strength. And I did not. People saw the outside. The package. The package was just this. A package. My soul deep deep inside was hurting.

Whatever I did in the past was an accumulation of images, adventures, experiences. With or without you. Mostly without you. I was the big girl. I could do it alone.

The time has passed. We both left the edges and we came closer to the middle. The middle is nice, safe, warm, loving, understanding. I'm so grateful we managed to find the middle before you check out. I am listening. You are listening.

And this time is not about approval. It is about two equal adults discussing. It is about sharing. It is about accepting. It is about listening.

Thank you.

On relationships

Listening to the rain. The first rain of the fall. The rain makes you want to stay inside. Makes your crave for a hug. Makes you crave for someone to stay in bed with. The rain makes you want to stay in and write. Or drink coffee and read articles on the net.

The rain reminds you of the winter that is coming. The winter you tend to forget, when it's 40 degrees outside for two months non-stop.

Wet soil smells lovely. The sky is gray but colours are vibrant.

The time has come for me to want something like a relationship. For the past months I have been declaring. I love being alone. I am in love with me. I can do it on my own. How very convenient... How very un-true.

Sometimes you lie to yourself. You declare there is only you. And I can see women, strong women out there not committing. They say they cannot find anyone to think alike. They crave love and they are chasing dreams. Dreams of sweaty bed sheets. With the one you love so much. The one who has the body you know every inch of.

All my life I have been balancing between being in a relationship and not being in a relationship. What is better? What fills you the most? I don't think I have the answer yet. Being alone now, makes me think I do want someone to share my achievements with. Back when I was in a relationship I wanted to be free to do whatever I chose. I wanted to be alone.

What do I dream of? I dream of the "Big O" (a tale by Sel Siverstein, watch it here)
Am I a Big O? I certainly feel like one. I don't have a missing piece. I don't "need" anyone. I want a Big O who will roll with me at ease. Who will not "need" me.

We go about in life. We try this and that and the next one. The Universe is giving us choices. We take a step right. And then we turn left. And then straight again. And backwards. Forward. Right. Left. Straight... so on. We move perpetually, change choices and goals. We love, we taste, we live. Alone, in relationships, then alone again, then in relationships... What do we learn? Who will be next? Is it going to stop when you find your "Big O"?