On relationships

Listening to the rain. The first rain of the fall. The rain makes you want to stay inside. Makes your crave for a hug. Makes you crave for someone to stay in bed with. The rain makes you want to stay in and write. Or drink coffee and read articles on the net.

The rain reminds you of the winter that is coming. The winter you tend to forget, when it's 40 degrees outside for two months non-stop.

Wet soil smells lovely. The sky is gray but colours are vibrant.

The time has come for me to want something like a relationship. For the past months I have been declaring. I love being alone. I am in love with me. I can do it on my own. How very convenient... How very un-true.

Sometimes you lie to yourself. You declare there is only you. And I can see women, strong women out there not committing. They say they cannot find anyone to think alike. They crave love and they are chasing dreams. Dreams of sweaty bed sheets. With the one you love so much. The one who has the body you know every inch of.

All my life I have been balancing between being in a relationship and not being in a relationship. What is better? What fills you the most? I don't think I have the answer yet. Being alone now, makes me think I do want someone to share my achievements with. Back when I was in a relationship I wanted to be free to do whatever I chose. I wanted to be alone.

What do I dream of? I dream of the "Big O" (a tale by Sel Siverstein, watch it here)
Am I a Big O? I certainly feel like one. I don't have a missing piece. I don't "need" anyone. I want a Big O who will roll with me at ease. Who will not "need" me.

We go about in life. We try this and that and the next one. The Universe is giving us choices. We take a step right. And then we turn left. And then straight again. And backwards. Forward. Right. Left. Straight... so on. We move perpetually, change choices and goals. We love, we taste, we live. Alone, in relationships, then alone again, then in relationships... What do we learn? Who will be next? Is it going to stop when you find your "Big O"?