Ode to my friend

 Technology can sometimes be frustrating.

This morning I was ready to write my September post. Coffee, cigarettes, laptop. And then frustration. No you cannot go into Blogger. No you cannot write. An overwhelming super power was there not letting me write. Chrome, Mozilla, Blogger everything was telling me no. I talked to friends, laughed over my problem, uninstalled Chrome, installed it again, deleted torrents, waited for hours and hours.

Here I am. Forgotten what I wanted to write. 

Lets take things from the start.

I was inspired by a friend this past weekend. Her actions showed me what Jonah always says. You can change in one-thousand lifetimes or you can change in a minute. Well, she has made changes in so many levels. Her work, her love life, her mind settings... Really quick. She is such a brave soul, such a talented individual... And I am proud to call her a friend. You know who you are. You know you will make it. 

I do hope to have the courage one day to get rid of my fears the way you did. 

To make my dreams come true. 

Do beautiful people know they are beautiful? Do strong people know their strength? Then, why do beautiful and strong people make choices they do not deserve? When do they push the button and turn off all the bullshit? What does it take? 

It might take a tragedy. It usually takes a tragedy. But it does not have to. We know our theory. but what about actions?

In about a month from now, I'll be where it all started. And the journey will continue.

PS The photos are from a praying mantis that surprised me. It was on my artifacts last Sunday.

Falling

...Full of surprises indeed. I fell down on the ground today. Some scars on my right side and a bandaged finger. What happened? The male pony was left in a field with the rest of the horses and he behaved like a terrorist. Althought he is smaller, he has a brave heart. He bullied everyone else, he was chasing the big horses like there was no tomorrow! When we went to take two of the old horses for riding, he was right behind me terrifying the horse I was holding. My horse was very scared and she kicked him and I was so scared of both of them I tripped and fell on the ground.

On another level, it was not so strange. I keep hurting myself on the right side of my body. My creative side. This is a kind of punishment. I punish myself for not being on a "normal track". I punish myself for having fun. For being myself. For writing. For being strong. For not having a "proper" job. For letting my sister out of my athens house last night "by mistake". She was very angry last night and today I had to hurt myself.

Struggle

I'm struggling to stay centered. To stay centered to myself and to what my soul desires.
I was faced today with my greatest fears and my greatest disagreements.
They came in the form of my parents. They disagree.
Cleaning a stable is not their best idea of a job for their educated daughter.
They were very polite as they expressed their fears and their disagreement. While we were talking I struggled to stay centered to myself. I struggled to remember the joy I felt when I decided to go to the mountain.
I explained all my thoughts very clearly. I was expecting just a spark of recognition and acceptance. There was none. It is not something they can understand. They keep talking of money and insurance and marriage and kids. They keep talking about things that are so NOT myself.
I have to thank them, because they are questioning my decision. I have to thank them because while they were talking, I was so SURE I want to go to the mountain!
Even if nobody loves me, not even my own parents, I WILL still do what my heart tells me to do. I have followed my healing with integrity and I have made a promise to myself. I will love myself and my decisions. I will think of all the things they said. I will search deeply in my soul to see what is my higher purpose in life. I know that I will be supported by my own higher self.

Its funny, because up until today, everybody I told the news about the farm with the horses was very supportive and they were telling me that they can see a glow on my face. I was really glowing. I felt I was glowing. And then, as my teacher Jonah says, there was the opposite polarity. When you make a step to the light, there will be darkness cheking out if you really want to make that step to the light.... For me it came in the form of my parents. Thank you. I am very happy that you disagree with me. I am very happy that you say so, very openly. But I am going to go ahead with my decision.

Whatever it costs me.
It might cost me the love of mommy and daddy.
The gain on the other hand is not very clear to me at the moment. I will have to see. The gain is going to be that I'm going to be truthful to myself.

I'll wait and see.