Δευτέρα, 28 Μαρτίου 2011

The wave

Turbulance is over. You may unfasten your seat belts.

Miracles continue.

Fisrt of all, let me thank each and everyone of you who commented and supported me all these days. It was really helpful seeing the situation from a certain point of view and then from another point of view. I like to be challenged in changing my perspective whatever is happening. This is the way therapy works. It's the openness and courage to see what you refuse to see.

My sewing machine is now here and I'm preparing to use it. Ideas.

Some of the bills are paid.

The spring is more evident every day. Our mountain is full of flowers, bees and sun!

I have been meeting with wonderful people with wonderful ideas. I feel more optimistic that I can keep standing on my own two feet in a less edgy way.

Yesterday we welcomed Nelos, a wonderful dog who is going to stay with us for a month. He is very well adopted to the rest of the family and he is making his first acquaintances with the cat! Welcome!

So, today, I'll say it one more time. Life is like a wave, it comes to the shore and goes back again and then comes to the shore again and goes away again... One time you are happy and the next you are sad and then you are happy again.... It's the magic flow of life!

Πέμπτη, 24 Μαρτίου 2011

Miracles

As I was complaining about not having eaten meat in two months, a miracle happened. Someone gifted us with a whole chicken! I cried... It was organic and it made a wonderful soup and a wonderful roast and delicious sandwitches! It fed the whole family including the dog and the cat!

I'm so greatful...

Another miracle is that a friend found a small amount of money on the street and thought of us...

Miracles.

Like this poppy which grows inside the wall. The spring is here.

Positive attitude.

Soon I will have my sewing maschine again. And some fabric. Creativity is on my way...

Everything is going to be fine. Stay centered. Focused. Stay inside yourself. I love you.

The same old story. I go to sleep every night with these words in my head. In the morning my mom calls. She's killing me. We are playing games. I'm playing games. Of love and control. I cry. I don't scream. I don't say "leave me alone". I say "I feel miserable". Another carrot. She is throwing bits of understanding. She loves me. I know it's a trap. Everytime I confided my plans I was devastated by lack of understanding. By judjement. I'm really sorry this is the truth.

I'm very tired of these games. I want to heal all my wounds. It takes me at least five to six hours to get my spirits up after these phonecalls. I want to scream. I want to be independent. And I fall. On my knees again until I know what the fuck has happened. And stand up again.

Stand up. And stay up. That is when miracles happen. When you stay up. When you say I am alone and I'm happy I am alone.

Δευτέρα, 21 Μαρτίου 2011

Adventures at work...

 And now, ladies and gentlemen, my work experiences so far. (Warning, this is a long one!)

As you know, I came back from Italy with nothing. I said to myself I will find a job and everything will be just fine. I came back and I found Greece in the midst of crisis. Or so they say to us. Crisis or not, I said to myself I’ll do anything for cash. Well, not exactly anything, but…

Job number one
My ex boss’s job is not so well anymore. He can only employ me for some days. In January. And then it’s job hunting again.

Job number two
So I start searching. After two months of searching, the door opens. A job as a researcher. I call people up and ask them. About the radio, about their phone lines, about crisis in Greece (!), about whatever the company tells me to ask them. We are the ones that call people up and take a little bit of their time. Others answer and others curse us. Do not take it personally my dear. They might have had a bad time at their morning work and they are taking it out on you.

This is my rescue job. Whenever I was between jobs, I was working for this company. The last time I worked for them was two years ago. And guess what. Prices have gone down. There have been shifts where I made 0 euros. Five hours for nothing. Maximum wage nowadays, is 15-20 euros for five hours. The more questionnaires I fill, the more I get paid. I don’t get paid by the hour. The company might make the same money as it did two years ago. I don’t really know the companies logistics. The thing I know, is, I get half the wages I was taking two years ago. On top of that, they don’t need me every day of the month. Sometimes I don’t work for a whole week. Let’s blame it all to the crisis. Oh, and last but not least. February’s payments will be made at the end of April. Ha-ha-ha-ha! I used to laugh, but I don’t laugh anymore. What am I supposed to eat during these two months? I can pick some wild weeds from the mountain. They don’t cost me anything.

Job number three
Meanwhile, I keep searching for another job which might pay me immediately if I’m lucky. The weeks go by. My friends lend me money I don’t know when I will give back. A good friend had another idea to help and I’m really grateful. Instead of paying a stranger for some things she wants done at her house, she pays me and my boyfriend. I wash her car and do some paperwork. My boyfriend fixes things that need to be fixed and trains her dog. Honestly, I did it with so much pleasure, that I would wash all my friend’s cars for a little bit of money. What does my mother say? You are like a Pakistani and you are not made for these kinds of jobs! Bare with me. My parents have boycotted any financial help on the account that I don’t want to go live with them! They drive a Mercedes and own at least three properties. They can’t stand their educated daughter washing cars for a living! They forget that they come from an immigrant background. They forget they were poor youngsters once.

Job number four
Another good friend finds another solution. He is leaving Greece for 40 days. We are going to dog-sit his dog. Another job gladly done.

Job number five
Leaflets. On the 5th of January we contacted an agency which spreads leaflets door to door, on account of other business owners. On the 16th of March – that is two months later – I get a phone call from this guy. He desperately needs people to spread some leaflets. I rush and meet him. This job is very physically demanding. You carry around all these leaflets in your backpack, you walk around the streets and you kneel to push the leaflet under every door. While you’re at it, ruthless dogs bark at you, neighbors look at you and old men try to chat you up! Being so demanding, two years ago, this job used to pay 5 euros per hour. How much does it pay now? 3.5 euros. That is 28 euros for 8 hours of walking, carrying, kneeling… Blame it all on the crisis. Again. Mind you, it’s only a two day job. At first he says he’s gonna pay me in three days. Then, he changes it to a week. When we finish the two day job, he is still not sure. It might be next week, or it might be in a month. And we are not talking about millions of euros. We are talking about the breathtaking amount of 30 euros. I’ll wait and see. Oh, and he might do me a favor and call me again for another job. Only god knows when I’ll get paid or if I’ll get another job. Did I sign any papers? No. Do I get insurance for walking the streets all day? Ha- ha- ha! I should shut up and say thank you. Because I’m desperate for money.

While I’m working for either my friends or ruthless companies and individuals, I’m searching for a stable, 40-hour-per-week job. And I’m looking for something I know well. A sales person. The store owners are really desperate too. Two years ago, they would get six-seven phone calls when they advertised a job. Nowadays, they get five hundred phone calls. People are desperate for jobs. People like me. Who have a Bachelors and a Masters, they speak five languages and have ten years of experience. It must be very difficult for them too, to choose the right person for their stores.

Have I compromised my qualifications? Of course I have compromised them. Why? For a dream. I do not want to be dependent on my family. Besides, as a good friend put it, Greek families want all their members in one house and lamb on a spit roasting in the back yard. No. I don’t want kids (yet). No, I don’t want to follow tradition. I want to feel free.

And freedom has a price. The price of not knowing where your next meal will come from. Not knowing when the electricity company will cut out your electricity because you haven’t paid for 3 months. Listening to your beloved parents calling you names because you are not their good, obedient child anymore.

I don’t believe I just wrote this! Freedom has a price! That is absurd! Freedom hasn’t got any price at all. It’s a right everyone has. I wish I lived in a world where parents said: be yourself. Do what you want to do. I hope our generation at least makes the change and honour their kids individuality and freedom.

Is it easy to love yourself in these conditions? Is it easy to smile everyday you wake up and give a kiss to your beloved man? At least we have each other. In this six year old relationship which is a jewel. At least I am not alone. I’ve got him and two tales. Freeda’s tale and Miguelito’s tale. They both get up and greet me joyfully every time I come home. They both love me no matter what job I do. And last but not least Michelangelo. Our canary. He sings all day and welcomes the spring.

It’s not easy. And doors open slowly. I guess I had to go through this. To give worth to myself when all things want me to feel lesser. I am grateful for these jobs. Although I feel that the system is taking advantage of me and everyone else. Both the Greeks and the immigrants who live in this country with nothing.

It’s been two months since I ate meat. This is not necessarily bad, but I miss it. And I can’t afford it. Imagine the shame this could go me through. But this is the case. And I’m sure it is not because I took the risk to leave everything and go to Italy. There are people in my age who go through the same and they did not take any risks at all. Even if I did not leave (live!), things would be the same. My second last employer closed down her business and my last employer can’t afford staff anymore.

The system is stressing us. We are young and we can’t work. Or we are forced to go into under paid jobs. Families are forcing us. To go back to “normal”. Their kind of normal of course. Will we create something different? Will we be the change we yearn for?

My teacher says that life on earth is not about survival. So I try not to think of my situation as a survival case, but rather an opportunity to create a different tomorrow.

I will never forget this period of my life. It teaches me how to be humble and praise all I’ve got. Be humble and don’t criticize. Don’t criticize the homeless. Don’t criticize the immigrants. Don’t criticize someone who does a job you think it’s a disgrace. It is only a job. No one is superior to another. Everyone deserves respect. Everyone deserves a home and food on their table.

That was a big post alright. A big angry post. Until I calm down again. Thanks for reading… if you have reached so far down!

Τετάρτη, 9 Μαρτίου 2011

In the search of true joy...


Wow. More than a week without a post. Not very much like me, huh? Anyway, what do you write when you don't travel? Do you write about your city life and all the searching of a meaning? 

These days I do search, I send e-mails, I call people and I'm looking for things that interest me. The travelling. And the writing. And the making money. And how do you go about life when everybody is trying to convince you that these are not times to follow dreams. Sit down. Shut up. Don't dream. 

On the other hand I am convinced that this is exactly the time to do something different. To expand our thought. To break our little boxes of thinking. To find ways we haven't thought of before. To live a different life.

If I am to take total and full responsibility for myself, I have created a reason not to have found a conventional job yet. I need something else, something that has a meaning. I need to do something that is not based on money, but makes me a living. I need to find something that hasn't the energy of a job that just sees me through. I need to make a living that will be my joyful job.

What I'm really searching is joy. And every day is joyful. I make my everyday joyful. I thought it wouldn't be easy. But it is. Miraculously there is a little bit of cash. Miraculously there is food on my table. There is love and understanding. And beautiful friends to share all these.

I'm just breathing. Isn't that a miracle? I'm watching the snow fall. Isn't that a miracle? I am. I am a wonderful person. I am considerate. I listen. 
I have a big hug for anyone that will ask for it. 

And what am I worth? That is a question. Am I worthy of love? Am I worthy of abundance? I am. I just need a little encouragement to believe it. And I do believe I am shifting things into a beautiful position. My universe is shifting towards the light. Because I am worthy of the light like anyone else. Yes, I have everything I need. And more is coming my way. Thank you to everyone that assists me in finding the light of my own existence.