On cancer and the way he invades.

 

How do I put this in words?

Only one word. Cancer. My man has cancer. In his lungs and brain.

First time I heard it last Saturday. I cried. I was scared. I did not know. There was only one word in my mind. Cancer. Is he going to die? Is he going to live?

It all started after my last post. He became sick in the stomach and slowly became very weak and could not walk. His left arm was weak. He was rushed into an ambulance. And then in the boat. And then in another ambulance. Into the hospital.

I had to care of everything. Take care of luggage. Take care of the dog. And the bird. And the trip. An angel friend picked me up and took me, Freeda and the canary back home in the middle of the night. And then I rushed to the hospital.

The doctor called me. She said it's cancer. Who do I call?? What do I say? Why? Why us? Fuck you cancer!

Do I tell him? Of cource I do. He has the right to know. He is strong enough to know. Our friends know. And the miracles begun. In three days he gets up. Starts walking and laughing again.

He becomes his real wonderful self. He said he is going to fight it. Friends stand by us. My parents and my sister stand by us. They offer us all the love in the world. They offer us ways to heal it. They offer us true love and compassion. And laughter. That's what I need. Laughter. No stories about people who die. I need compassion. Understanding.

This story brought me very close to my own death. The things I have't done yet, the travels I postpone for later, the things that exhite me and I have an excuse not to do them yet.

It's been more than a week now. He is still in the hospital.

I am calmer. I don't cry anymore. Not every two minutes.

There are two options.

In the first one he gets over it. We have a great party. We live happily ever after.

In the second one we put up our best white clothes and we say goodbye dancing and laughing about the passing of his soul to another level. We will need a jazz-blues band for the goodbye party.

I would rather believe that this is the time for healing. For me and for everybody. It is time for me and for everyone to see what is important. Who is important. I believe in true joy. I am strong and he is strong. I have the feeling that either way we will stand up to this with true and unconditional loving.

Does unconditional loving mean let him go? Yes. I will try to let him go. If this is his decision.

But I do want to see more of his painting. I do want to see more of his art. I do want to see more of him. I'll stand by him whatever he decides. I do love him.

Have a good day.