Christmas thoughts

The way we were

Every little choice develops a lifetime.

All my little choices have brought me-us here.

I'm not angry anymore. I'm just compassionate about myself and the situation.

It's Christmas and Antonis is slowly fading. His body betrays him. Every little step he makes is a victory. Literaly. He can't walk very well. He is in pain most of the time. Every bite he takes withought vomiting is a victory. Every hour he sleeps is a victory. He is too scared to sleep.

I just want him to be decent. I want him to be clean, dry and warm. Like a small child. The man has become a child. A child in pain. And it's Christmas. The house is full of twingling lights and christmas decoration. He deserves Christmas. Is this his last Christmas? No, don't think about that please! He is here now. Surrounded by love and compassion.

It's Christmas time kid! Don't cry. Everything is goin to be all right. Give me a big hug and all the pain will disappear.

My body aches too. From doing so much for him. My heart aches. Why did we bring ourselves to this? Is there a bigger picture we can't see?

I do sincerely hope there is a bigger picture I can't see. I do hope there is a purpose.

Have a merry, loving, supportive, delightful christmas.

Creativity will save the day

My week off has finished and it was really great.

We are well into december now and the streets are filled with christmas lights... And so is my house.

I am calmer and he is too. But he is also very weak. Very needy, Like a child. And I'm more patient with my patient - It rhymes! Like a friend said, I am love.

Because I took time off, someone invited me to sing in a group. A soul-funk group! Wow! I hadn't sang for at least 2 years! The first rehearsal went good, really good, with me improvising and feeling stressed...

These guys are such great musicians! Being a singer in band since I was an adolescent, I was always screaming to get my voice heard over everyone's egoistic playing. Quitarists, drummers, everyone was always playing too strong. This was the first time that the microphone was loud enough for me to listen to my real voice without screaming! This was the first time the band was stopping to hear my needs and help me with the parts! This was the first time I felt really relaxed. And - most imporantly - this was the first time a fellow player was brave enough to tell me my voice is exceptional.

It shows how I've changed. How I tell myself I'm great. This was a mirror. I need to work really hard if I want to be a lead singer, but I do love singing.

I did not believe in myself so I was in bands that always proved my not believing in myself.

I'm ready for a new start and this creative activity is going to help me go through all the rest that is going on in my life...

Have a good day.