Thoughts on my life from now on

 See how trees can have a face? I met this guy on the mountain.

After all this illness, death, tiredness and decision making, I needed a break.

Being the traveller that I am, I was thrilled to go for a short trip with my friend G. and our dogs.

For the first time in months the temperature was high and the spring was just begining to blossom.

This was the view from the window...

We enjoyed the long walks in the mountain and it was warm. I love nature and I love the mountain energy. Lying down on the grass and taking your shoes off. That is happiness. The simple happy things of life. The abundance of colours and the buzzing of the bees. And the clear sky.

Sleeping early and waking at dawn.

 I hadn't visited the Delphi site in years. It was breathtaking.

The colours were so bright! Every walk, every turn would bring us into another beautiful secret beneath the trees...

Thank you my dear friend for honouring me and taking me with you! What a great gift!

Now I'm back in the city, furiusly packing boxes. I can't sleep very long and I am very exhited I will move into a new environment. I haven't lived in my hometown for 18 years. I don't know anybody exept my sister. The town is a white paper to write on. My journeys will start from there.

My new life will start from there. And I promise it will be a happy, colourful life. My life.

Decision

Adventure continues.

On Thursday I decided to do what I dreaded all these years. I decided to move back to my home town.

And I love my desicion!






I'm not in the mood for more writing, so enjoy some pics...

Who am I?

Am I the child I was and I don't really remember?

Am I the adolescent who dreamed of leaving the small town to live a a life out of the ordinary?

Am I the youngster who was lucky (in fact brave) enough to travel to England and study, drink, smoke, fall in love, get high, have friends, travel around?

Am I the woman who fell in love, had sex?

Am I the woman who played the roles according to the situations? The jealous boyfriends, the boring boyfriends, the mommy for the less brave boyfriends, the lover of one night stands, the loving partner of a strong yet sensitive man who did not live up to his true self and got sick and died?

Am I my jobs? The editor of Disney magazines, the tragically failed freelance curator, the sales person of a prestigious downtown gallery, the statistics phone researcher, the sales person at yet another shop downtown, the assistant curator of a beautiful posh gallery, the assistant of an artifact workshop?

Am I the singer, the musician who likes to hide inside choirs and is a specialist doing background vocals? Am I the singer who chokes when is a lead voice and forgets the lyrics? Am I the years of paying conservatories just to be part of a musical community?

Am I my handmade bracelets and my sewing machine and my sewing lessons? Am I the artist who sold some bracelets and then got scared and hid away all those wonderful bags and scarves and bracelets and fabrics?

Am I the volunteer who dug the ground, mucked out horse fields, picked up olives? Who got out of her way to help, without any payment but food and a bed? Who got blisters and got wet and cold feet to prove she is strong?

Am I my dog and the walks and the travelling we did together?

Am I the spiritual researcher, who has read hundreds of books, attended hundreds of hours of psychotherapy, attended seminars? Am I my depression and my joy? Am I the asking of questions such as who am I, where am I going to, is there life after death, is there a god, is there anything beyond my knowing?

Am I my love for languages, my fluency in greek, english, italian? Am I my spanish and french which I can't speak very well but I like their sound and musicality?

Am I the people I met, the friends I loved, the friends I left, the brief aquaintances?

Am I the houses I lived, the rooms that I slept, the walls I changed colour, the beds I made love, the couches I had fights, the kitchens I learned and loved cooking?

I am my 36 years of living on this planet.

I am my experiences.

I am my decisions.

I am all and I'm none of the above.

And now, I am fortunate enough to have the time to look back at all these.

Who do I want to be from now on? It's my choise. It's my life. Stop losing yourself into the lives of others. Stop denying who you are. The lady of talent and knowledge. The lady of love and smile. The charming lady who, so easily breaks the ice. The lady who is taller than she feels, the lady who is more beautiful than she sees, the lady who is more knowledgable than she thinks, the lady who knows, but constantly thinks she does not. The lady who discovered she takes wonderful pictures. The lady who writes in a simple way but touches the hearts of others. The lady who longs for adventure. The lady who has enough theory in her head to last for a lifetime (thank you Kanta).

Is this lady going to live out her theory?
Or is she going to stay inside her confort zone and live out a quiet death?

To be continued...

The birth of 4 kittens

Yesterday I witnessed a miracle…

Back in October, when we found out about Antonis’s illness, I found a beautiful cat. She was his birthday present. She was gray and she had perfect green eyes. She must have been 4 months old? While we were away in one of the hospitals, she got out of the house and pregnant.

So, yeaterday, she brought her kittens to the light.

I was ready, did my research o the internet, saw the videos on you tube, knew what I had to expect…

While Antonis was still alive, we made her a box on the floor filled with fabric and dark enough for her. But today she was restless and did not want to go in the box. She was talking to me. And I felt it was the time.

I put a big carton box on the couch and fabrics inside. She calmed down. I think she wanted a place high up so her kittens did not get disturbed by Freeda. Fair enough. Contractions started and she behaved like a veteran. The kitten came out in its sack and she licked it open. I was very anxious to see it the kitten was breathing. And it was! Soon after, the second one appeared! Does it breathe??? Yes. Ooof! It’s alive! I tried not to disturb them too much, but I couldn’t stop taking pictures!

The process stopped and the kittens had time to find the nipples and drank like mad! When I felt it was ok, I touched her belly. Told her she was a brave girl and she was doing ok. I could feel more babies inside. And I knew that the process can take up to 24 hours. So I waited. Until two more came after an hour or so. Both alive.

 They were all cleaned by their mother and found their way to the nipple. What a miracle!

Nature knows, it does not worry, it does not stress. It just knows. Even I knew what to do. (not that Grizannah needed my help anyway!) I never saw anything like this in my life! The process started at 2 and finished at 6 in the afternoon. They are all sleeping now, they are cute, they are love, they are the universe that knows.

Antonis dies and the cat gives birth. The circle of life.

And I realize how much I love animals. Freeda has helped me in so many ways, she makes me walk on the mountain everyday… She looks at me with these big brown loving eyes… She wags her tail to greet me when I get home… And Grizannah, she jumps on my lap and purrs…

I am not alone. They are here with me. And I should not forget Michelangelo the canary. He sings every day. He is going to get adopted soon because I am not very much into birds. Maybe because I can’t touch them. And he was Antonis’s bird. 

PS, I could not have taken any photos, unless I had a new camera! Yes, I finally got it! Thanks to everyone that helped!

Alone

I'm in the house Antonis and I lived for the past 2 years.

I'm listening to Amelie OST. And then it's Leonard Coen. And then it's The Motorcycle Diary OST. And then there is Apoclyptica. And then there is Norah Jones. And then Celtic music. And Philip Glass.

I was dreading the return to the empty house.

But when I got here, the house was full of light. Full of love. Full of goodness. Full of memories.

So I relaxed. I'll stay here until I feel it's right to leave. I''ll give myself time.

Freeda sleeps next to my bed and Grizanah, the cat is pregnant. Next week she will bring her kittens to the light. Her big belly is funny and the kittens move inside.

During the illness I almost did not like the music Antonis was playing. Now, I play the music all day long. Hundreds of CDs, I've listened to all of them at least once. The soundrack of this relationship, the start, the middle, the end... So many sounds and so many memories...

Like I always do I try to figure out what will I do next. My next job, my next house, the animals...

Take your time kid! Listen to the music, look at the photographs and relax.

You will know when you will know.