driving

Yesterday I took my first driving lesson!

Learning how to drive has been in my mind for several months now. Being behind the steering wheel. Driving. The symbology behind it. Driving my own life. Not being dependent on others for my transportation. Getting Freeda into a car. Going to the river. The mountain. The sea. Anywhere.

My years on the bicycle helped a lot. Figuring out the details of how the pedals work is to be learned.

fairytales

Yes, the five-year-old inside me likes to make up fairytales about monsters and dragons and locked up princesses! The five year old gets stressed and the adult is not there. I would not have this blog if I did not like fairytales and stories. 

I do admit it.

My beloved monster was there and now it's gone back to its' cage. 

Two free mornings and the stress is gone. No, not free mornings. Mornings working for myself. Work for my classes. My beloved classes. Research. 

My Monday Art History class for adults. The difference between Baroque and Roccoco. Johannes Vermeer. My Friday Crafts class for kids. Leonardo Da Vinci. He drew the first parachute. So much fun. So much love. So much relief.

The smile is back on my face. 

Have a good day!

question

I am angry these days. Angry and stressed. Remember when I said yes to a voluntaly job in a gallery? Well I want to stop working there. I want to have time to organize my lessons, start sewing again, start my driving lessons, finish my book... The gallery is taking too much of my time. And this is eating me. Swallowing me like a monster. I want to scream, to say "enough" and the words just don't come out of my mouth.

This is not unfamiliar. In fact, it is the commonest pattern of my life. Back in Italy I could not say "enough" to Lorenzo. Back in Skyros, I could not say "enough" when I was tired. Back in the days when I had normal jobs, I could not say "enough" to my bosses.

And this word becomes the monster. "Enough". The monster with the burning eyes. If I dare utter it, it will not only destroy me, it will destroy everything I have succeded so far.  It might be simple, yes. When you are dancing outside the circle. When you are in the circle it is different. Difficult.

I do know, that once I have done it, it will seem like a ballon which has lost all it's air.

So why is it so difficult every single time? I will never stop wondering.

last year - now

 Time is an illusion. However, we tend to review every passing year. Where were we? What was going on this time last year?

Last year.
2011 going to 2012.
In the hospital. A dying boyfriend. New year presents in the hospital. Trying to keep hope alive. Trying to make a dying soul happy. Trying to understand our own mortality.

Then February came and his death came.

What was I going to do? How was I going to live? Was I going to live the life I always wanted? I changed everything. Moved to a new town, a new house. My family was close. Old friends where deep inside my heart. New friends were just around the corner. Elina emerged. Started living again.

This years' christmas celebrations were intense. I said yes to every invitation, I would stay out all night. No alcohol, just drinking the moments. Drinking life. Being happy in a dull moment, as well as, a sparkling moment. I sang and danced and had a good time. Defying mortality.

Enjoying nature. Enjoying the river. Enjoying the sunny crisp cold weather.

Breathing.

In less than a week my hectic schedule will start again. And I'm greatful. I'll start teaching more kids and hopefully more adults. Theatre classes will beging again.

And a gift to myself. A driver's licence. I never allowed myself to drive anything else but a bicycle. I was always expecting someone else to drive. Someone else to lead the way. But now I dream of having my own car. Get into it, get Freeda inside and off we go. Anywhere.

Have a good day and happy new year!