From a distance

So last night I left the house. I took the dog and a suitcase and left. I'm sleeping at my best friend's house. Back in my old neighborhood.

Not even 24 hours away and I'm already feeling better.

No, I did not abandon him. I'm still going to go back. But it feels good to be away. To hear my friends talk about their new boyfriends and their parents and their problems and their schedules. It's good to listen to something different than radiation, chemotherapy, hospitals and drugs and special diets.

Thanks for all the support and comments...

Too much

 I'm dreaming. Dreaming about getting in a bus. A plane. A boat.

As soon as I dare dream of it, my man needs to get in the hospital, he needs to be taken cared of, he needs so much! And I can't do it anymore!

This relationship is fucked. Fucked by all the broken dreams. His broken dreams and my broken dreams.

One day he needs me and then when he is stronger again he becomes so arrogant and full of shit.

How about me leaving the relationship now?

It is so hard to be everything. The nurse and the friend and the mother and the sister and the friend and the father and the super market goer and the cook and the nurse again... No time to go to an internet cafe to check my e-mails, no personal life!

Is this what our mothers did? Is this the reason they are so angry with everyone, their husbands and children?

"Don't worry, I'll take care of everything!"

And then they forget. They forget their talents and their dreams and their knowledge and everything. Just like me. Acting like a mother and not like ELINA.

Fuck. The flame is really really weak. And I'm scared it's going to blow off. I want to escape. I want to go away.

And I'm scared because there is one little thing I know from Jonah. There is no escape. There is only resolvement. If I escape, I will only go into a new - even worse - situation like this.

Fuck. Not even poverty was so hard last winter. All the monsters have come to haunt me.

This is hardcore.

And I'm not worth it.

I'm not worth sleepless, crying nights.

I'm worth light. I'm worth abundance. I'm worth good friends and a home and children and animals.

I'm worth love and forgiveness.

I might look in the mirror tonight and offer me a smile.

And promise myself I'll change the darkness.

The monster and the flame

I have a monster.

My monster says I'm not worth anything.
My monster says I am useless, no good and all these nice things about me.
For the past year or so, I have been feeding this monster.
It is now really fat, ugly and scary.

This is why I haven't been writing. Last year I was so proud of this blog, so proud of my travels, so proud of everything. Feeding the monster has kept me so busy, I only write once a month now.

I have to thank my teacher Kanta for showing me my monster.

Yes, in theory, I am very spiritual, very balanced, very brave, very...

In practice, I am just feeding my monster.

About a week ago, when I learned about my monster, I realized I also have a flame. It is now the size of a candle flame. It is the flame of my real self. And I am learning again how to feed the flame instead of the monster.

Writing this moment I am feeding the flame instead of the monster.