Illusions and misconseptions

Wednesday 21 July 2010

And all I wrote and felt the other day was just my imagination. Talking to my dad proved that he didn't want to critisise me in anyway. We had a proper conversation like "how are you" and "I'm alright" and things like that. It was just my mind, playing strange games.

At this point I have a feeling I need to solve something. Something really deep. My feelings are: aggression - sorrow and a feeling everything is my fault. I can't seem to find my joy. My mind keeps playing games. Games about my family, the people that surround me, the horses that surround me, the things I ought to be doing, the things I ought to be writing... What a mess!

It must be the heat. And I cannot find anthing about myself being stressed the way I am now. I have to relax. I have to breathe. I have to reassure myself that everything goes as planned. That the difficulties I am facing are just steps to a bigger plan. And I am not understanding it at the moment. I guess it will clear up in the next few days.


Monday 19 July 2010

Swift the feelings of a moment

I'm wondering how quickly can a moment get ruined. Very quickly. In one second. I haven't spoken to my dad since he told me he disagrees with the fact I'm going to live with the horses. I feel better when I'm not talking to him.

Today, as I was walking in a very quiet road with my dog, with only the sound of air in my ears, I looked at my moblie. A missed call from my dad. I panicked. I wanted to cry. The little one got scared. I got scared of being told off again. I don't want to tell my parents where I am. They will not like it. I don't want to talk to my dad. I had to sit down in the field with the horses. i sat in front of Artemis and her foal Cicada. They where eating and I was crying.

And then I decided to leave the drama for later. I am siting here watching two lovely cretures eating. In the middle of an olive grove. The sun os setting and the half moon is up on the sky. A breeze is breezing. A crow is flying. I am exactly where I want to be. And I am crying over what? A dad that does not understand? Well done. Am I going to sit here and live out my own drama, or am I enjoy what I have decided to do? Frankly, my dear I don't give a damn. I am working towards my freedom and I am scared that nobody will love me because I am free? Yeah right... No thank you. I am strong enough to believe what I want to believe and live out what I believe. NO MATTER WHAT.