Digging deep inside... again

 From the very beginning, when we found out about cancer I started looking for help. Counseling. A psychologist who could help me get through this. I was not new in the counseling business so it was easy. Fortunately, this country has not yet fallen completely apart, so I found out there is a center providing free counseling for cancer patients and their relatives. It’s already been a couple of months that I see this wonderful lady. It is my “sacred” Wednesday appointment.
It’s where I can say anything and not be judged. It’s where I find things about myself I did not even know existed.

I also had a session with Tami. She connects with your spiritual guides. They told me about my “savior syndrome”. My teacher Jonah also talks about that in his message “Compassion”. All these teachers teach that there is a difference between showing lovingness and compassion and a different thing trying to save others. Taking responsibility for other people’s choices. The latter can make you sick.

(Two days ago, when I started writing this post, I was not sick) And now I have fever and a sore throat, and a pain in the back. Because I “had to” do something that was not mine. I had to save my man once again. From his choice of not settling his debt to the state. I new this all along. That he owes the state an awful lot of money. When the police caught him last year, I was running around to get money to bail him out. And then I gave him a deadline. He had to show up. To tell them he is not responsible for all this dept. I will not go into detail on how the system works in Greece which is fucked up anyway. But he had a four month deadline. And He did not do anything. And I left. And I came back. I still came back. And here I am, 2 years later 4 months after a diagnosis. In court for something I did not do. 2 years before this I had promised myself I will not save him again from this situation. And I did.  And now I’m sick. Yes, we can promise to ourselves we will make the right choices. The heart choices. And we can forget. And break the promises.

I’m trying to think of things I have done over the years for myself. Not much… I don’t even know what I like. No that’s a lie. I know what I like. And I ignore it. Because there is always someone to save, family and boyfriends, especially boyfriends. And friends.

I am the savior. And I am sick once more. The choices we make. The choices we refuse to make. So simple. So complicated. So…

See, on top of all this disease, I’m also digging deep into myself. And it’s not easy. Psychotherapy is not an easy business. It takes courage. Am I pushing myself too hard? Yes. As always.