This is dedicated to my first therapist

Last week was spent in anger. Much anger. And then I saw a book in my library. I opened it. It was a book by Irvin Yalom. "Staring at the sun: Overcoming the terror of death". Sometimes this is what I do. I open a book in a random page and I expect to find something on my situation. Indeed there was a message. A reminder.

Years ago, when I was in group therapy, It was my time to finish therapy with this group. As the day I would stop attending the group was coming closer, I became very angry with the group. Every session was wrapped around my anger. And my therapist knew. And she helped me see it. Being angry was an easy way to separate myself from the group I loved so much. If I got really angry wiith them, I would have a reason to go away from them.

When I realised that, the anger went away. I went to my last group feeling greatful for all the wonderful moments, rather than furious that I had to leave them. And the group is still in my heart. And the group is still present in my heart, helping me make the changes I need to make.

At this point in my life, I am doing the same. Being furious at Antonis is an easy way to separate emotionally from him. Last week I had a reason to want to see him die. I was SO angry with him! I was full of tears because I felt the hatred eating me. And then this book helped me remember. And the tears immediately stopped. And the fury immediately went away.

Do I have to be angry with him to say goodbye? This is my old way of coping with separation. Anger.

It has now gone away. I am able to hug him again. He has become a weak little child in pain. And it's my choise to be here to give him a hand. To let him pass away quietly when he feels it's time to pass away. It's still very painful, but I'll leave the grief for later. He is now here and I better live the moments with him.

These are very intense moments.

Have a good day.