Κυριακή, 5 Φεβρουαρίου 2012

My many questions

It's been almost a month that nothing happens in the house. He gets stronger every day. And I don't know if I should be happy or worried.

I get out of the house and I think of all the bad scenarios. I don't really believe he is going to get well. His cancer is so agressive...

Meanwhile, my mood goes from anger to love to annoyance to saddness to... It's a circle of emotions. It has never been so intense.

Sometimes I want to get into an airplane and leave. But what about my dog? What about Antonis? What would happen if I just left?

But this makes me cry. Apparently this is exactly where I want to be.

How long? For how much longer? For how much longer am I gonna be the nurse and the psychologist and the cook and the partner in a relationship that is not a relationship anymore?

What kind of relationship is this? Not sexual anymore. I just want to go and hide somewhere. Take Freeda with me and stay somewhere and not talk to anybody. Hide somewhere and only talk to myself. In fact I am too scared about the next step. Am I going to find someone else to save? Or am I going to be my wonderful self, saving my own self?

How many more excuses?

We'll see. I'll see.

At least I'm still writing. One thing I have not deprived from myself.

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