Letter to myself

 Dear almighty, all knowing self,

First let me thank you for bringing me here, in this Italian home, where food is mostly homemade and delicious. Thank you for letting me travel to Italy to live in a farm and pick up olives. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to see the process of making olive oil, the tastier and healthier of all oils. Thank you for letting me sleep in this cosy little wooden hut behind the barn, where I can sit and write, listen to the pouring rain and the horses neighing.

Thanks for the images, the smells, the people, the action, the beauty, the abundance, the warmth and the change.

At times it was hard physically and mentally and financially. But you helped me overcome the difficulties with grace and love and peace of mind.

Two months ago you helped me close my house, sell my things, find a home for my dog and embark on this trip. I thought I would not go back to Greece for a while. I thought I could live without my dog, without my boyfriend, without my parents and my sister, without my friends. I still think that.

But Christmas is coming and I would like to spend it with the people I know and love.

And I have a question for you.

Will I be doomed if I go back for a month and leave again in February? I know I want to go to Spain. Will I stop being a traveller if I spend the Christmas holidays with the ones that love me? Sometimes you say that I will fail you if I do. I am left with 200 euros in the bank.

Do I spend it for a ticket to Greece, where I know I will find a job and make some more money for my next trip, or do I spend it for a ticket to Spain, where I can volunteer and hope that money will come from a part-time job?

Both options are scary. The Greece option scares me, because I will have to face my family. I told them I don’t know when I’m coming back. They told me I will fail, that I’m a grown up and I should stop thinking like an adolescent. And I’m scared because they might be right. The Spain option scares me, because I don’t know if I will have the money. Will it be a painful experience because I haven’t solved certain unsolved issues?

Both options are great. The Greece option is great because I will see everybody and share my exciting news. The Spain option is great because I will see new things and experience new experiences.

So what do you advise me to do? There is a scale in my heart. Which side of the scale is heavier?

What if you have other plans for me that I haven’t even considered? What if I’m making a reality that I don’t even see coming?

As you can see, I’m confused. Don’t know what path to walk upon. Please help me make a decision. A decision that will not hurt me. A decision that will bring me joy. A decision that will express the true love you have for me.

Maybe I’m thinking too much and not feeling enough.

I might have been a little edgy on myself. I might have done things in a rush and I might have overreacted. Afraid that I might never leave. I have been agressive in deciding.

Today I went to another house in the countryside. They had just slaughtered a pig and they invited us to celebrate with them. We had pasta, beans, pork chops and boiled meat that would normally go into a sausage. This family consider themselves poor. But they are not. They have an extended family of animals, pigs, cows, goats and chickens. They eat their own animals. They know how to slaughter a pig, an art which runs for generations. They give thanks to the animal which will feed them for the rest of the year.

Being with them I realized I miss my family and its own rituals. Every family has rituals. That keeps them together. You can leave the family, but the rituals will follow you always. They give you a sense of belonging.

Dear self,

I think I have made up my mind.

If this job doesn’t open up tomorrow, I’m going to spend my last money to go back to Greece. And then prepare for the next step. Which will either be Spain or Africa. Everything in its own good time.

Close to zero

The temperature I mean.

And close to a decision. I really have to make a decision. Do I go back home for Christmas or do I go to Spain? Do I choose something safe, or do I put myself through yet another financial agony and step into the void?

The job hasn't opened up yet. I don't want to stay in Italy if things do not open up. If they don't, it means the circle has come to a close. I have seen enough beautiful pictures and done enough exhiting things and made wonderful new friends.

I really have to search my intention for my next choice.

I'll come back. It seems that the answers come when I write them down.


Meanwhile, you can enjoy the morning mist from my porch every frozen morning...

On broccoli and art

Believe it or not, this is a Broccoli. The Italians call it Broccolo di Natale, Christmas Broccoli. Isn't it a piece of art? Nature is teaching us aesthetics. It's a great teacher of perfection. And a great teacher of abundance. I mean, I am here in a land, which could be anywhere, which is fertile. Many things are being born, weeds, greenery, plants, with little or no help from the human hand.

Where is the crisis in that? Cows are giving birth, pigs too. Everyone, everything in nature lives effortlessly.

The temperature keeps falling and the winter seems to be the most beautiful season there is. Walking around the town of Tuscania, the light of the afternoon was so beautiful, a great grey sky and just a little bit of sun giving the most dramatic results. And here I am, trying to capture the uncapturable (is there such a word?). Trying to keep the magic of the moment with a photograph... I mean the trees, the birds, the light... All of it is a piece of art!

And then, still walking around town a small guy is greeting me. Well, actually he is hiding from me. Or hiding from something I can't even think of. Or not hiding at all. Whatever it is it's just beautiful. Another click!

Life is full of small miracles. Do we stop and appreciate them? Life is full of pieces of art. Even when I was back in Athens, I could still find small miracles, small evidences of life's beauty. Everywhere I go, I try to appreciate the beauty and richness of life. And smile a lot. I smile to everyone and they usually smile back.

Today I realised I have been here for six weeks. When you stay at a place long enough, you connect better. You follow the life of the family you are staying with. I am still having the time of my life, especially when I am playing with a certain two-year-old baby. She's so funny and fun! All children have an endless capacity to play. I'm trying to reach my inner child and play along. The result is laugs and giggles and a lot of screaming and running around laughing! This last photograph is with her. The perfect manicure! For both of us!

Have fun everybody! Laughter is just around the corner!

4.5 Degrees...

That was the thermomerer's verdict this morning at 8 in the morning.
It's getting very cold.
Four days now i have not picked one olive because of the rain. I'm not complaining! Instead I am working at Lorenzo's little shop in Tuscania, we are filling cans of the new oil and labelling them. Hundreds and thousants of cans to be filled, labelled and boxed...
They look pretty on the shelves. They taste even better when opened! These cans have oil from the olives I helped pick. They have a certain energy of joy. Hope that people will feel it when they try it.

The relationship. Yes. I do want a relationship with that certain man. We have to reset our priorities. Work a little bit harder to make common plans. Maybe travel together at some point. But this, now is my project. The project of travelling. I need to take my time and feel comfortable in the travelling position. To feel like a real traveller.

My main fear was to return. I need to feel the safety in returning and leaving again. That was my main fear in accepting to prticipate in the relationship. This project, right now, does not have space for the relationship. It has only space for myself. Even if it sounds egoistic, I have to take my time with myself to feel comfortable in these shoes. I'll finish what I came here for. That means at least two months away from home. Greece. That means Christmas in Italy. For me it's exhiting.

I have overcome the fear of returning. I can stay in Athens for a month and then leave again. What's wrong with that? Nothing.

Let's see what happens with the job...

In the meantime, let me talk to you about somehting I have never talked to you before. Food! Yes, yesterday I drunk the most amazing, thick, dark, hot chocolate I had ever had. It was like drinking hot gelato!

PS, thanks for reading, thanks for commenting, thanks for being so supportive! When people tell me about my writing and my photographs, I feel grateful. Grateful for all these gifts that you give me when I need them. All these beautiful words... thank you for my heart!

Winter

 Winter in Italy. Morning. Silence.

Inside:  A heater. Warm clothes. Hot coffee. Thoughts running. Last night’s dream. It involved a horse who wouldn’t listen and swimming in the sea with my clothes on. Soft music. Safety. Warmth.

Outside: Cold wind. Rain on the roof. Humidity. Mud. Smells of the countryside. Wet olive trees which will not be harvested today.

Winter is beautiful. The eucalyptus trees outside my room are dancing their dance of wind and rain. My day is silent and warm. The past few days are filled with a dominant question. Can one travel and still have a loving relationship with the one that is left behind? Someone who is far away? I’m searching deep inside for an answer. Do I want a relationship or not? I’ve left a family behind. Adonis, my boyfriend, Freeda, my dog, Miguelito, his cat and Michelangelo, his canary. They all live together. And I am in Italy. In the middle of the winter.

It seems I am far away. All four of them are in my heart. I miss them and I don’t dare think about it. Why? Because it might mean that my travelling will end once I accept the fact I miss them. I might go back and never leave again.

Or it might mean that my family is there to support me. To say goodbye every time I want to leave. To give me a big hug when I want to come back. Loving and supporting me whatever I decide. My previous experiences make me say a big NO. My previous experiences say that it will be a big mistake. No relationship can survive when one is far away. My heart says the opposite. What if you remain loyal? What if both parties remain loyal to each other and have fulfilling lives while they are apart? Why not break the rules? Why not live life according to your heart and emotions? Instead of living your life according to your previous painful experiences? Diving into the unknown might prove the smartest thing to do.

Sometimes I wish there could be a magic button. I could push it and all the answers would come to me.

Winter in Italy. Afternoon. Silence.

It’s still raining. It’s very windy and cold and grey. Outside. Today is my first proper Sunday in a month. In bed all day, alone with my thoughts. (Although nobody believes me cause I’m such a talker!) Afternoon tea and biscuits. Jazz sounds from my laptop. I feel blessed. I have been praying for a day of doing nothing at all.

I wonder why I’m getting so personal in my blog. Is anyone interested in the internal struggles of a traveller? Why do I care so much? Sometimes I feel embarrassed of getting so personal. And then I think that my personal struggles might help someone revise their own life. I might help someone think like that. Ask the whys and answer them. There is no magic button. There is only internal wisdom. And mistakes are unavoidable.

What is a mistake after all? To make a decision and live with its results. No one can judge that. And if one does not like the results, one can choose again. We are free to choose. The only one restraining us is our own self. Every day we make a decision. A loving decision or a painful decision.

As far as my relationship is concerned I have to make a decision. At the moment, not making a decision is a decision I make. What is it that I decide? To postpone. To gain time. Instead of facing my issue.

 The truth is I still love him. I still miss him. And I know he is the only person in my life who approves, besides my sister. He is strong enough to live through any decision I make. 

I'll wait for now. I will not decide.

I will just indulge in my days off. Have a wonderful winter!

White truffles...

Oh, how I love the rain! It means I can sit and do nothing but think about my next post!

Lets talk about food. Again. Two days ago I ate something that I might not eat again in my life! White truffles in risoto. Fine smell, fine taste, a taste of something so delicate and pure... Lorenzo's family got given some pieces of white truffle and they were kind enough to share it with me. I am lucky! I make my own abundant reality...

Another special thing we ate some days ago was wild bore. A neighbor shot a young bore and he gave us some of it's meat. Jim, my favorite cook of all times cooked it on charcoals and it was so tender! There are a lot of bores around this area and they destroy gardens, so the farmers kill them and eat them. They are a special treat, because they are very difficult to catch...

Italy's tastes are special. Even if you are having simple pasta fr lunch, it is special because it tastes of proschiutto. Potatoes are roasted not with oregano, like the Greeks do, but with wild fennel flower buds. Even pumpkins are roastedlike potatoes in the oven. And they taste really good...

And of course the foccacia bread... Used plane instead of bread, or as a base for pizza... White, fluffy, salty, heavenly! Here it is:

4 cups of warm water
3 teaspoons of yeast
10 cups of flower
1 pinch of salt


You mix everything toghether in a dough and you leave in a bowl with a little bit of olive oil underneath to rise from one hour to seven hours, it depends when you want to cook it. You put in a tray and cook! It's that simple!

And then there are the sweets... Crustata is made with dough and jam, the greeks call it pasta flora. There is german apple strudel. There is greek rise pudding. There is cake made from egg-whites called angel cake. I cannot even recall all of them! Amazing deserts every night...

Three course dinners for one month. When you are working so hard, you are hungry all the time. And Jim never lets anyone down. Even when there were fifteen of us on the table, there would be enough food to feed an army... The army of the olive harvest! Lorenzo and Jim are spoiling us... How can you leave this place without a deep, loving memory of stomach fullfilling meals and great conversations around the table...


And last but not least, the gelato... Here in Tuscania they make the best ice-cream in the region. Another heavenly taste even on cold winter days... I'm dreaming of my next outing in town so I can have some more gelato...

Hope you're all having as much fun as I do!

What to do next

The last posts were a bit emotional. Lets call them a nervous break down! It happens sometimes. I was feeling a bit confused. Now the picture is clearer.

Yesterday it was raining so I got a bit of rest. Today it was a lovely day so we were back at picking olives. Everyone is tired and everyone wants the olive harvest to finish. It's going to finish soon. Looking back I enjoyed it immensely. It was something I had never done before in my life, and still I performed exeptionally well for a city girl. Plus, I gained enough knowledge about olives and olive oil. Plus I ended up coordinating everyone who came to help. I might have been a bit bossy, but I was an "I love you" bossy! Sorry guys! Now I am an expert at putting out the nets and crating olives from the ground! Now I am an expert at "dildoing" although I avoid it like anything.

Lorenzo has been kind enough to tell me I can stay here for as long as I like. Still I am looking at other possibilities. A little bit of good news. Today someone offered to give me a job! I can house-sit the neighbor's house from the 15th of December till the end of January! That means Christmas in a big country house with two dogs! Sounds interesting, huh? I can sit and write all day. And I don't have to do much. Otherwise, my options are:
a. To wait until another job comes up.
b. To volunteer somewhere else in Italy.
c. To volunteer in Spain.

I'll sleep on this information. I was convinced that something will come up moneywise. I'm happy!

Better feelings are the expressed feelings

The previous post was not about my father. It was about me and my perception of my father. He is a wonderful man who made me who I am. It is me that has the issue. It is my problem. It is all in my head. It is a matter of accepting my emotions. Of accepting I have an issue in the way I view the issue. I'm getting there.

I also expressed my feelings of fatigue to Lorenzo who understands my stress since he's been doing it for more than ten years. I have been a good worker. It's perfectly natural to feel tired. I was never used to so much physical work. And one month now we have been doing it over and over again. 420 trees done. 80 trees to go. I'll keep it up. And I'll find my way. I'll keep searching my feelings. I'll keep digging deep no matter how difficult it is.

It's just me. And then I'll see a rainbow...

Sometimes we are happy and sometimes we are not. That's life. It's a wonderful life and it would be very boring to be happy all the time. I have enjoyed the olive harvest. In fact, I had the time of my life. Up on the tree, down at the ground, sunny days, rainy days everyhting made me richer. It's probably easier to dig deep in your soul when you are closer to nature.

I am content and I know I am following my heart's path. That is why I bought myself a new hat!

Have a good day!

Approval

I have cut myself in two. That's what the Greeks say when they have worked so hard that they can barely stand on their own feet. I have cut myself in two. For what? To prove I can work so hard to be loved and accepted. To whom? To my father. He is always there. In my mind. I have to prove him everyday. See how hard I tried? See how much I can work? See how much I have done? I am living an extreme.

I cannot accept the fact that I will never be accepted. Everyone else accepts me and supports me. But not him. For him I am a failiure. For him I am nothing but a waist of time. So I try harder. So I work harder. So I try and try.

I am in the one of the most beautiful places I have seen. I am in the middle of my dream. And what do I do? I work myself to death. To prove I can do it. To prove to myself that this illlusion is true. I work myself to death for a trace of approval. It's very painful to admit it. Yet, If I don't admit it to myself, things will get even worse.

This, here now, is a turning point. I need to take care of the blisters in my hands and feet. This is the time to stop. Stop exhausting myself like this. I deserve better. Accept the fact that I will never be accepted. By this one person. All the changes I've gone through, all that I have become, all that I know, I owe to myself and noone else. I will mourn the fact that he will never accept me. I am already in mourning. I have a deep scar that needs to heal. I have to stop trying to impress him. I have to stop caring. I have to accept. I have to forgive. Enough. I am so tired. Tired of trying to prove I'm strong. I am. I don't want to break myself anymore.

I need a lighter job. And I have to be clear. I don't blame anyone. The people of the farm have been wonderful. It's only me. I am the one who broke myself. I am the one who made myself work so hard. I have done it to prove to the Almighty Him.

Sorry Elina. I'll see what I can do to make it better for you. I accept you. I want you to be warm, safe and comfortable. You have come a long way. You haved made changes. You are following your dream. You are on your heart's path. Don't let the patters of the past ruin it. Don't lose faith. Don't lose courage. I'll stand up for you. Don't cry. Please stop crying. It's gonna be ok. I love you.

PS. All photographs are taken in Assisi. Just to remind me how beautiful this trip was... And to remind me that I am a good photographer amongst other things...

Olive tiredness

At last, my body reacted to the tiredness of the olive harvest. Two days of fever. Another thing is that when your body is exausted, your creativity is low. In front of an empty post. What do I write? I'll write about dramatic skies. Sunrises and sunsets. And starry skies. And the moon.

A month in Italy. Why do I exhaust myself? Is it a kind of punishment? Is it that I haven't whined in a long time and I need to complain about something? I am looking for a new place to go. I can feel the circle closing. Lorenzo and his family have been really nice. They are kind and very funny. And very helpful.

I don't feel very creative today and I hope it's just a phase. I am commited to this blog and I don't want another week to pass without saying something. Meanwhile, here are some pictures of a sunset and the sunrise from my room. Nature is always creative. Only we, the people, create uncreative moments. I have been listening to my teacher Jonah. And I am contemplating on the patterns I follow. I work hard to be accepted. I feel I don't deserve to make money. Patterns I have learned.

I am a talented person and I still believe I don't deserve several things. Isn't that amazing? The way we are brought up? I'll keep working on these beliefs.

Looking on the bright side of life, I am in a beautiful place. I am surrounded by beautiful people. I was cared for when I was feverish. Everyday I wake up in nature and walk on the earth instead of asphalt. I am blessed because I do what others only dream of. And yet there is something that even I have to learn. There is a lesson here for me. I cannot see it yet. It is just a feeling of inconvenience. Where is this journey taking me? What depths and darknesses of my soul are there to be explored still?

The fact that I am alone helps me think. I have met some amazing people but upon their departure I am left with myself. To think. To feel. To discover.

There. My creativity is back. Thanks for reading.

Rain and hale!

Tuscania

Which means 3 days off from the olives. It was nice, I went into Tuscania and my muscles took a break from all the hard work!

Today I was alone with Lorenzo and some other worker who works here at the farm always. No singing, no talking... It wasn't as fun as it was with everyone else. But my prayers were answered! One of my best friends came back tonight! Rebecca and another girl who I haven't met yet are here! And, from what I hear, there's another girl coming for a day. And the very best news... one of my best friends from Greece is coming for a week to see how they pick olives!

Really good news, huh?

It's getting colder out here...

The weather I mean.

I haven't been on line for a week. Firstly because there was no itnernet and secondly because I was having fun! Even so I have been writing almost every day and I'll post everything at once.

Here we go...

8 November 2010

While the rain pours rhythmically on the roof of my wooden hut, I recall the day that finishes. Me and my best friends went to Viterbo. It was a cold rainy day and I dreaded the fact that we were going at the hot springs to have a bath. They were outdoors, inside a big field. That meant that we were going to strip down to nothing but our bathing suits in the cold. Where would we put our clothes? They would all get wet!

I decided to stop moaning in my head and see what would happen. I didn’t have to go in there if I didn’t want to… When we arrived there, we found a plastic chair and we could put our clothes under our umbrella. I took a deep breath… and run into the pool! And it was so hot! It was so soothing… for all our muscles which had been working so hard for the past three weeks… The sky was grey but we didn’t care. We wanted to stay in the hot water forever. We talked about nature and its amazing creations. No wander the Popes had taken this place for themselves… We stayed in the hot water for at least one hour. We were so hot when we got out, that we did not feel the cold anymore. It was actually nice to get out of there! What an experience… I exceeded myself by doing this. Now I know I am open to adventure…

And then we walked around the city of Viterbo. Another beautiful medieval city with tiny little roads and little surprises in every corner. Dark weather made everything look really authentic. It was a nice day out. It was sad to say goodbye to my best friends. They are continuing their trip until they go back to the States. I must say again that they are really charming and that I fell in love with them. Catherine and Rebecca, you will always be in my heart.

I took the bus back to town and now I am the only volunteer in the farm. Let’s see what happens from now on…

7 November 2010

I feel blessed. Maybe I’m repeating myself over and over again, but I do feel blessed tonight. Blessed to have met Rebecca and Catherine… Today it was Sunday and we didn’t pick up olives. We worked in the little shop that Lorenzo has in Tuscania. We canned the new oil, labeled it and wrapped it to be shipped. We spend a lot of time together with the girls. We walked around in town and had a gelato from heaven. And then we came back home and spend time sharing our stories. Singing little choir songs. Reading angel cards… Reading books and seeing photographs. They make me feel so alive and free to be myself!

Where was I hiding all these years? Where was the charming me I express these days? Meeting all these charming ladies and gentlemen make me realize that they mirror the charming lady I must be. My two friends wrote me a little letter saying that I inspire them. Isn’t that wonderful? And then they gave me a little – no. a BIG - gift. And Sarah from Canada left me her sweater. And Jennifer from Alaska gave me a card from her place and some chocolate. All these gifts from all these amazing, inspiring people… I don’t feel lonely. I just feel blessed. Because I was not scared of following my dream. Because I was not scared to dream.

Tomorrow is the last day I’m spending with my two new friends. We are going to explore a nearby city called Viterbo. We are hoping to have a bath in the hot springs. After all this hard work, we deserve a bath! We will sure have fun and I’ll tell you all about it when we get back!

6 November 2010

The olive trees are ruining the soles of my shoes. My rubber soles rub against the wood and they are slowly tearing apart. It could be more useful to climb the tree barefoot, but it’s either too wet, or too cold to take my shoes off. So I’m scattering pieces of my soles around the property. I could say I’m leaving pieces of my soul on the property. It is so contradictory to have so much fun and yet have all your muscles hurt every night… I guess when you’re doing what you want to, tiredness is not an issue.

The olive harvest will probably finish in a couple of weeks. I am now looking into the possibility of finding a paid job for a month, or even into Christmas. I have already started asking around for a job. I don’t want to leave Italy yet. I’d like to stay here for a little longer. I will definitely be here for my birthday on the 21^st of December. I might go to the South, where it’s probably warmer.

At the moment the weather is warmer than it was when I first got here. In the middle of the day the sun is burning. I love it. And my new friends… the girls… the stars on the sky every night… The pink sunrises and the red sunsets… the horses! We are currently picking olives in one of the horse fields. They are very curious and they come to see what we are doing. All the souls in the farm just live happily together. And we, the people are living together. Lorenzo’s home is always full of guests, interesting guests with interesting backgrounds. Conversation around the table is never boring…

When people ask me where I would like to go next, I say I don’t know. I’ll see where the flow takes me… Have a good night.

5 November 2010

Olives are hard work. But two friends are here. Katherine and Rebecca. All day we climb trees and sing and laugh hysterically. It’s like I’ve known them forever. They are my best friends at the moment. Wonderful, sweet, funny ladies. It’s the people that make life wonderful. We share our stories. And our music and cultures.  And then we eat. Hard work makes you hungry! One day it’s pizza. The next day it’s soup. And then there is pasta with mussels and shrimps. How can you resist a second and then a third serving? And these handmade potato buns from heaven… I might have had five. When I took the fifth, I had such a quilty face we just laughed hysterically! For about half an hour! Everybody just looked at us… We are such laughers….  The food is so good we can’t stop. No leftovers, that’s the rule!

Every day I just love to climb on trees! You can sit on their branches and they are all very welcoming. You clean the branches from the olives and then you climb higher. For more olives. When you are not using the “Dildos” you use hand rakes and you’re brushing the branches. And you can talk with your girlfriends!

Raining outside, burning inside

While it's raining outside, there is a lot of love inside. Loving energy, people with open mind and hearts. Wonderful strong ladies who question everything and are really strong and powerful.

These past few days we had many new people on the farm - mostly ladies-  in their late twenties, early thirties. I find it amazing how they have their own farms in the United States. It takes a lot of courage to farm, because farming involves a lot of body strength. Yet, these young people love the earth, respect the earth and try and treat it right.

So here we are, still picking up olives when it's not raining. It's fun to harvest olives with friends! We all work together and then go and eat these big lunches and dinners that Jim makes for us! And we all have lots of laughs and amazing conversations. I'm learning so much about farming and I'm trying to keep track of all the States that make up the United States! I'm so confused... The USA is so big, it's even bigger than Europe. I guess that, apart from farming I'm learning a little bit of geography too! Yes, our life is the people we meet and it's the humans you meet that make a difference.

And now a little bit information on "the Dildos". Since all we speak about during the olive harvest is "the Dildos", I might as well give you a little bit of information about them. "The Dildos" are two big, long mechanical devices which vibrate. They give the olive trees a massage and the olives fall on the nets set up on the ground. Whoever is using them is getting a lot of exersise - to put it nicely! So at the end of the day, all your arm muscles are husting so much, you can't even lift your hands! That's why we called them "The Dildos"!