Letter to myself

 Dear almighty, all knowing self,

First let me thank you for bringing me here, in this Italian home, where food is mostly homemade and delicious. Thank you for letting me travel to Italy to live in a farm and pick up olives. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to see the process of making olive oil, the tastier and healthier of all oils. Thank you for letting me sleep in this cosy little wooden hut behind the barn, where I can sit and write, listen to the pouring rain and the horses neighing.

Thanks for the images, the smells, the people, the action, the beauty, the abundance, the warmth and the change.

At times it was hard physically and mentally and financially. But you helped me overcome the difficulties with grace and love and peace of mind.

Two months ago you helped me close my house, sell my things, find a home for my dog and embark on this trip. I thought I would not go back to Greece for a while. I thought I could live without my dog, without my boyfriend, without my parents and my sister, without my friends. I still think that.

But Christmas is coming and I would like to spend it with the people I know and love.

And I have a question for you.

Will I be doomed if I go back for a month and leave again in February? I know I want to go to Spain. Will I stop being a traveller if I spend the Christmas holidays with the ones that love me? Sometimes you say that I will fail you if I do. I am left with 200 euros in the bank.

Do I spend it for a ticket to Greece, where I know I will find a job and make some more money for my next trip, or do I spend it for a ticket to Spain, where I can volunteer and hope that money will come from a part-time job?

Both options are scary. The Greece option scares me, because I will have to face my family. I told them I don’t know when I’m coming back. They told me I will fail, that I’m a grown up and I should stop thinking like an adolescent. And I’m scared because they might be right. The Spain option scares me, because I don’t know if I will have the money. Will it be a painful experience because I haven’t solved certain unsolved issues?

Both options are great. The Greece option is great because I will see everybody and share my exciting news. The Spain option is great because I will see new things and experience new experiences.

So what do you advise me to do? There is a scale in my heart. Which side of the scale is heavier?

What if you have other plans for me that I haven’t even considered? What if I’m making a reality that I don’t even see coming?

As you can see, I’m confused. Don’t know what path to walk upon. Please help me make a decision. A decision that will not hurt me. A decision that will bring me joy. A decision that will express the true love you have for me.

Maybe I’m thinking too much and not feeling enough.

I might have been a little edgy on myself. I might have done things in a rush and I might have overreacted. Afraid that I might never leave. I have been agressive in deciding.

Today I went to another house in the countryside. They had just slaughtered a pig and they invited us to celebrate with them. We had pasta, beans, pork chops and boiled meat that would normally go into a sausage. This family consider themselves poor. But they are not. They have an extended family of animals, pigs, cows, goats and chickens. They eat their own animals. They know how to slaughter a pig, an art which runs for generations. They give thanks to the animal which will feed them for the rest of the year.

Being with them I realized I miss my family and its own rituals. Every family has rituals. That keeps them together. You can leave the family, but the rituals will follow you always. They give you a sense of belonging.

Dear self,

I think I have made up my mind.

If this job doesn’t open up tomorrow, I’m going to spend my last money to go back to Greece. And then prepare for the next step. Which will either be Spain or Africa. Everything in its own good time.