Winter

 Winter in Italy. Morning. Silence.

Inside:  A heater. Warm clothes. Hot coffee. Thoughts running. Last night’s dream. It involved a horse who wouldn’t listen and swimming in the sea with my clothes on. Soft music. Safety. Warmth.

Outside: Cold wind. Rain on the roof. Humidity. Mud. Smells of the countryside. Wet olive trees which will not be harvested today.

Winter is beautiful. The eucalyptus trees outside my room are dancing their dance of wind and rain. My day is silent and warm. The past few days are filled with a dominant question. Can one travel and still have a loving relationship with the one that is left behind? Someone who is far away? I’m searching deep inside for an answer. Do I want a relationship or not? I’ve left a family behind. Adonis, my boyfriend, Freeda, my dog, Miguelito, his cat and Michelangelo, his canary. They all live together. And I am in Italy. In the middle of the winter.

It seems I am far away. All four of them are in my heart. I miss them and I don’t dare think about it. Why? Because it might mean that my travelling will end once I accept the fact I miss them. I might go back and never leave again.

Or it might mean that my family is there to support me. To say goodbye every time I want to leave. To give me a big hug when I want to come back. Loving and supporting me whatever I decide. My previous experiences make me say a big NO. My previous experiences say that it will be a big mistake. No relationship can survive when one is far away. My heart says the opposite. What if you remain loyal? What if both parties remain loyal to each other and have fulfilling lives while they are apart? Why not break the rules? Why not live life according to your heart and emotions? Instead of living your life according to your previous painful experiences? Diving into the unknown might prove the smartest thing to do.

Sometimes I wish there could be a magic button. I could push it and all the answers would come to me.

Winter in Italy. Afternoon. Silence.

It’s still raining. It’s very windy and cold and grey. Outside. Today is my first proper Sunday in a month. In bed all day, alone with my thoughts. (Although nobody believes me cause I’m such a talker!) Afternoon tea and biscuits. Jazz sounds from my laptop. I feel blessed. I have been praying for a day of doing nothing at all.

I wonder why I’m getting so personal in my blog. Is anyone interested in the internal struggles of a traveller? Why do I care so much? Sometimes I feel embarrassed of getting so personal. And then I think that my personal struggles might help someone revise their own life. I might help someone think like that. Ask the whys and answer them. There is no magic button. There is only internal wisdom. And mistakes are unavoidable.

What is a mistake after all? To make a decision and live with its results. No one can judge that. And if one does not like the results, one can choose again. We are free to choose. The only one restraining us is our own self. Every day we make a decision. A loving decision or a painful decision.

As far as my relationship is concerned I have to make a decision. At the moment, not making a decision is a decision I make. What is it that I decide? To postpone. To gain time. Instead of facing my issue.

 The truth is I still love him. I still miss him. And I know he is the only person in my life who approves, besides my sister. He is strong enough to live through any decision I make. 

I'll wait for now. I will not decide.

I will just indulge in my days off. Have a wonderful winter!