... of the year.
A new year is coming.
New adventures, new perspective.
Let's thank the old.
Let's embrace, understand and forgive it.
The old was new last year...
From now. Let's eat cleener foods, let's love unconditionally, let's follow our heart's paths with joy and passion, let's search deep inside us for the answer.
On days like this I think about my teacher, Jonah. He says " its easy to love, play, laugh!"
Lately I have been thinking about love. It's probably because everyone talks about love on the occasion of christmas. We, the humankind, have given the name love to many things.
Control has been disguised as love. (I love you when you do certain things).
Jealousy disguised as love. (I love you as long as you don't love anyone else).
Other things that I can't really make a list right now.
I have been through the above.
But something was always missing. That's why I decided to look deeper into love and the ways I used to love. Sometimes I might even go into an older mode, until I realise it and change it. Do I believe in a universal family that loves me unconditionally? I sure do. Do I keep forgetting that? All the time.
Every time I feel desperate I have to look in the mirror. Do I love myself? Hmmm. Sometimes I don't. especially when my eyes are swallen from crying. Sometimes I can see behind the red eyes and send me some love.
Sometimes I need love to come from out there. But there is a little sparkle, voice, whatever, in me, that says that love can only come from the inside.
Inside you is the family, the lover, the brothers and the sisters, the cats, the dogs and everyone!
Inside you is the strength we keep looking for from the outside.
It's inside I have to look for love and I keep forgetting. Because I'm only human. And I can forgive myself for being who I am.
This country is blessed with warm weather. I don't particularly like cold and it was cold enough in Italy. So I feel blessed to have come back to Greece and find these temperatures.
Christmas was lovely! We hicked the mountain for hours and hours and we saw the city from up top. It was like flying over Athens... And the temperature was even lovelier, like walking in nature in the Spring ... Some people moan about the weather, but I like it a lot.
Emotionally. Peace and quiet. Playful. Adventurus. My adventures have not finished. Everyday I am cooking something different. I am expanding. Everyday I go a little bit further on the mountain. I am expanding. Every day I find a beautiful picture, a beautiful plant, a beautiful spot I had never seen before. Beauty is there for you to discover. I'm taking my time to look back before I make my next step. December is a month to retreat and look back on your achievements. January is all about setting your new goals for the new year.
My birthday was also a great kitchen adventure! We made pizza in a way we hadn't done before. Pizza with apples and honey and cinnamon! Pizza apple pie! It was my homemade birthday cake! And it was delicious... Thanks for all your wishes...
I hope all of you are happy, loved and content. I hope all of you do what your heart desires without fear. Have a great holiday!
Sorry I disappeared. I guess writing, like everything else in life, moves in circles. Sometimes you feel like writing a lot, others your spirit rests. Plus, my internet connection at the moment involves me, going out of my way to find a connection which does not belong to me...
All these days I have been battling with emotions. Well, battling might not be the right word. More like trying to understand my emotions. To understand what is going on in my head. Again, as the moon grows to a full and my birthday approaches – tomorrow - along with a moon eclipse, things are clearing up.
I started feeling a little bit better about my decision to come back – yes, all this time I had the feeling I was doing something wrong.
But who will determine right and wrong? I have read somewhere that what is wrong for someone might be right for someone else.
Anyway, the verdict is this. The more I move, the more solutions are coming my way. The job has opened up because I went out there and looked for it.
That’s it for now. If you are born on the 21st of December, the smallest day of the year, the winter solstice, happy birthday!
My mind is straying into imaginary fights with everyone, but I try to stay calm and focused. What I need now is not fights in my head, I need to be an adult and work for money.
It takes a lot of courage to have very little and be content and grateful for all you have. Let's see what I have. I have knowledge to make bread. which I make everyday. Which saves me from spending money to go to the bakers. We are making bread with all possible ways. Bread with olives. Bread with dried tomatos. Bread with oil and oregano. Pizza with okres and potatos and red sauce (very unique and very tasty!) Pizza caltzone with greenery we picked up from the mountain next to our house. Even bread with chocolate! We are very poor and very rich in a special way. We laugh a lot. We are creative with what we have.
And, hopefully, I will start working tomorrow. I need cash. It is very easy to go into a moaning mode, but this will not help anything. I'll stay happy, focused and creative. I brought myself here, I will take me out of here.
Meanwhile, these two guys are showing me what unconditional loving means. Thank you, you lovely creatures!
It's all new. I live in a place which is not mine, but is becoming mine slowly. Here, I don't have to pay rent. Here there is a relationship which I tried to end but is too strong to dissolve. Me and my man are setting new rules, new foundations. This is what I asked for after all. A loving relationship. This man supports me in whatever decision I make. There is trust. Three days in Athens. Three days of reconcilliation.
Tomorrow is Monday. I will start looking for a job.
I look back at what I did and I'm proud. Two months in Italy. Tuscania, Assisi, Viterbo, Rome. Living with Italians. Tasting the food. Working really hard until I crashed. This trip showed me a lot. Next time I will travel lighter. Next time I will go to a place which requires less work. Next time I will have money to last me. For a week, for a month, for as long as it takes. Now I know it's not that easy to find a job abroad.
It was snowing yesterday. White fluffy snow. Zero temperature. Very unusual for Greece. but in by heart there is warmth. About making the right decision. About being in an emotionally warm place.
My journey continues here in Greece. I have a lot to learn and I have a lot to remember.
Meanwhile, I am perfecting my skills in making pizza and foccacia, eating chocolate with peperoncino and drinking Jim's homemade limoncello. Italy is here, in our plates and taste. Narrating stories from the olive harvest and Rome and everything I did. It's a very creative process. And one thing I realise is that every country gives you something to take home. Some kind of knowledge and some kind of air. Sharing all these is irreplaceable and wonderful!
Thanks for being here my beloved friends. Thanks for being here my beloved self.
And now I’m back in Athens. At a warm environment full of love. Antonis picked me up from the airport. I was so glad to see him! And I cried when I saw Freeda…
…but I haven’t stopped thinking about Rome. So let’s see what I did on my third day in Rome! First I wanted to see Santa Maria sopra Minerva. It was just around the corner from the Pantheon, but I missed it the previous day. What was interesting about this church is Bernini’s little elephant in front of it. It’s a bit dirty, but it’s still cute! And a Michelangelo sculpture of Christ inside… Michelangelo and Bernini. The two superstars of Rome.
After walking around a bit and enjoying the sun, I decided to go up at St Peter’s Basilica. I was sure the view from up there would be great... So, here I am, standing in the queue one more time... waiting and waiting... until finally I can go up. 550 stairs without the lift. 350 with the lift. I went with the second option. So up we go, me and everyone else. Higher and higher to a dizzying small staircase. There was a stop just under the basilica, inside the church. I could see all these little people walking around the church underneath me. Christian extravaganza!
Even higher was the cuppola. A small balcony on top of St Peter's. It took me a while to get used to the hight and to get rid of this scary feeling that the handrail will fall and we will fall with it. I am very good at making destruction visions in my head... Anyway, I sent these bad thoughts away and started enjoying myself... Now that I go back thiinking about it, it was terribly high! But it was an amazing experience!
Even the descending was dizzying!
Anyway, I was thinking of going to the Vatican galleries too, to see Michelangelo's famous Sistine Chapel, but I was too hungry! So walking I discovered a tiny little trattoria where Romans where eating. It did not have a sign and it was definately not touristic. And it was full of locals. That's where you want to go for a real taste of Rome! And my nose did not fool me. Pasta carbonara (with eggs and not cream, like the Italians make it) and two HUGE meatballs that I did not manage to eat because I was so full!
My next stop was again piazza Navona where I sat down and digested my perfect lunch. And started looking at the crowds. During Christmas there is a street market full of Befana dolls. Befana is the lady who brings gifts to Italian kids on New Years or later I can't remeber, and she looks like a witch! I must have spent at least two hours walking around and sitting around...
I was told I sould avoid the famous Fontana di Trevi because it's too crowded with people. But I still went because there was nothing else I could think about doing. And it was full of tourists. Still, it was a big, beautiful fountain.
The next day I walked and walked and the highlight was Bernini's sculpture of St Teresa. I wanted to see this sculpture up close because I almost did a Phd on the eroticism of the Renaissance. She really looks like she's having an orgasm! It was really a highlight!
And now I'm back after a difficult night of sleeping at the airport for my 7 o clock flight...
And I'm very content. Two days now I make pizza's for my beloved man and walking my beloved dog! It's so good to be home!
...can be challenging. I have walked for kilometers the past few days and my feet are screaming "no more" but I have one more day left so I'll make the most of it.
Let's see...
Yesterday the weather forecast was saying it's going to rain. No problem. I decided to head to the Campodoglio, where the infamous stairs and piazza of Michelangelo is. Once I crossed Tevere - the river - I got lost of course. I was looking at the walls, then looking at my map, then looking for a sign, then my map again... no luck. I couldn't figure it out... And there comes an angel. An elegant lady in her sixties, dressed in a fur coat and some gold jewllery and asks if I am lost and if I need help. I told her where I want to go and she was going the same way. So here I am, guided by this elegant angel through the Jewish quarters of Rome and she tells me that the Romans owe everything to the Greeks. She even knew that Greece was left behind on everything because of the Ottoman Empire... I tell her I am an art historian and she compliments on my well spoken Italian... I was in heaven. I thanked her very much and I went on my way!
From then on, I knew exactly what I wanted to do, thanks to my friend Stephanie... I wanted to go to the cafe of the museum and have a cappuccino on the terrace! Which was overlooking the whole of Rome! Heaven one more time!
And then I walked to the ancient magnificence of Rome. All the way to the Colosseum. The road was scattered with antiquity, temples of ancient gods and arcs of emperors. Sorry, I can't provide more information on what I saw, I like walking, but I don't like to read pages and pages of historic stuff...
Slowly I approached the Colosseum. I have one statement. It's another exaggeration. It's huge! I guess it's in the blood of Romans to exaggerate. Let's make the biggest temples, the biggest stadiums, the biggest piazzas, the biggest churches! What else can I say... They were competing the Greeks, they were even competing with each other on the biggest achievements! It started raining when I got to the Colosseum so I bought a green umbrella from a Pakistani guy. Like in Greece, as soon as the first drops of rain fall, they appear. And they are really useful!
Back to the centre of the city, I walked to Piazza Navona one more time. I read a cool story about the fountain. It's all about four rivers meeting and the most interesting fact is that one of them is Nile. But his head is covered because they did not know where Nile's sprung from at the time! I like little details like that! So here is a pisture of the blindfolded Nile...
Then from Piazza Navona on to the other end of Rome, Piazza del Popolo. Another huge piazza. With a huge obelisc and huge fountains representing Greek gods. Seen this done that. Ok. And then I walked again to what seemed like a very rich part of the city. It was called via del Campo and it was packed with stores. The highlight of the street was a yellow ferrari that everyone was taking pictures of. Really beautiful. I took a picture too...
I then went to the French quarters to see the Carravagio's. There is somehting magnificent in experiencing the actual work of art in it's actual space. I mean, I had seen these paintings before, but watching them there, on the spot, was something else. They were beautiful.
And then it was time for dinner. I spoiled myself in a trattoria. And what did I eat? The plant I planted when I first got to Italy. Remember? Artichokes! Beautifully fried artichokes with parmesan cheese on top and lemon on the side! A glass of red wine and red pasta. And chocolate dream for dessert.
And then I went to bed!
I am so happy to be here... I am so glad to be walking these streets... There is a certain lonelyness that haunts me, but I know I can share all of it with my readers. Thanks for following. Thanks for reading. Today's journey can be described tomorrow. Right now I am too tired to write. So bare with me...
Everything they say is true. Rome is an exaggeration. An exaggeration of antiquity, religion, wealth and art.
The first thing I did after I dumped my luggage in the hostel (remind me next time to take less things with me and travel lighter please!) I headed for the Vatican. It was walking distance from my hostel. No, wait. I fisrt had two slices of pizza near the hostel! Very good. Ok. Now the Vatican. I walk up to the square of St Peter and think I'll get in the church from the left. No, no, no. I have to walk aaall over to the other side of the Piazza, get in line to be checked for weapons and then get into the church.
The verdict. St. Peter's is the epitome of exaggeration. The biggest, the highest, the whateverest. Full of gold, full of marble, full of pope's statues. The only thing that I really admired was Michelangelo's Pieta and it's so small and delicate compared to everything else in the church. he was very young when he made it and it's really beautiful. Other than that, it was the church saying you little people, you better respect us because we are so big and rich... Anyway, I don't want to be too bitchy, all the superstars of the Renaissance made something for that church. Michelangelo and the rest.
And then I walked around. For hours and hours. Rome by night. I followed the crowds to Piazza Navona. It had all the founains and it was beautiful but full of stalls selling stuff for tourists. it was packed with people and I guess the Romans were out too since it's a Sunday.
All Romans go around Rome with their little or their big dogs, pure breeds or strays, everyone seems to have one and they take them everywhere, the train stations, the cafe's, buses... I wish it was like that in Greece too... And they are very elegant. Really beautiful people the Italians of all ages. Great sense of taste.
By seven o clock I was very tired. I thought I'd go home and start early tomorrow. Here is where I am staying. I tried to use the shower but it doesn't want to work for me. I kind of had a shower with a little bit of burning hot water and a little bit of cold water. I'm a little bit blonde and it's taking me some time to figure it out.
Anyway.
The fact is, I am glad I am here, I'm really happy to be walking around Rome with a really tight budget and I'm really happy to be going back to Greece!
When I first came here, the sun was up at 6.30 in the morning. Now it’s seven in the morning and it’s still dark.
Tomorrow I am leaving. I packed my bags and I am ready to discover Rome. I always thought that one needs at least a month just to get the idea of what Rome is like.
I did get an idea two days ago, when I went to deliver some of Lorenzo's stuff. But I did not get out of the car so all my photos are from the car. Still, it llooked pretty impressive!
I have four days. Sunday to Wednesday. I’ll play tourist this time. I’ll walk around and see the sites. I’ll eat pizza and gelato. I may even try a restaurant. I want to see at least one real Caravaggio. And one Bellini, and maybe one Michelangelo. Rome is full of art. Antiquity, to Renaissance, to Christianity. Isn’t it funny, that the Romans were so severely against the Christians and still Rome became the biggest center of Catholicism? The center of Europe, the center of manipulating mass consciousness by religion and fear… Sorry to all religious people out there, but I refuse to believe in a God that will punish you if you don’t do certain things. I prefer to believe that I am my own God and I can create my own reality. Maybe that is why I haven’t been to Rome yet.
Let’s see the feeling I get from the city. My friend Stephanie drw me a couple of maps of her favorite places in Rome. I can't wait to go to her favorite pizzeria! Tomorrow then...
Move where? Do what? I have a ticket. To Greece. Back to safety. Back to the things I know well. Back to love. Back.
Back to set priorities. Back to organize better. To leave again with a different mind setting. No more leaving with anger. No more leaving with quilt. No more leaving with uncertainty. I need to make some kind of peace.
Sometimes I do things like that. I get so anxious and scared that it will never happen, that I do it in a rush.
But now I have done it. I have already prepared the ground. I managed to spend 2 months in wonderful Italy. And I wrote all about it. Nothing will ever change that experience. I have already done it. I am a writer and a traveller. That’s what I wanted to do. I did it.
I am enriched by living in all those places, closer to nature. First, on the mountains of North Evia. Then, in the planes of Skyros. Now, in the wavy volcanic land of North Lazio. I like the farmer’s lives. Food tastes better. The air I breathe is better. Animals are very close. I don’t want to stop doing that and I won’t.
We have grown away from the earth that feeds us. We have put so many chemicals on it. But I need to educate myself by helping the ones that don’t see earth as pure income. There is art and beauty and aesthetics in nature. I have a teacher who inspires me. His name is Jonah. He always asks us to listen to our hearts. That love will lighten our paths. That’s what I’m trying to do every single day. Listen to my heart’s desires.
My next best idea is to go and help in a farm in Spain. Several farms have already invited me to join them. And I will do, after I spend Christmas with my family and friends. My journey continues.
I'm not giving up on my dream. I just want to stabilise my dream. It's still a baby and it needs to be comforted. I don't want my dream to be full of fear. I want it to be safe and full of joy, like it always is.
I have tried to find any job in Italy. I had good references to do anything, babysitting, house sitting, house cleaning, anything. But nothing opened up. And there is a reason. I'm sure there is a reason. Going back to Greece will give me some time. To organise better. I don't have any bills to pay over there and that's making my life easier.
I will continue writing aand I have faith in myself. I think it takes more courage to admit I want go back. I know I'm brave and I know I'll do whatever my heart desires me to do.
I am free to decide whatever my heart desires. I got my ticket for Greece and I am so happy! I can actually meet my friends, share all my experiences and takee my time before I go somewhere else!
Myself is very considerate. Elina does not punish Elina because she did or she did not do something. I love my decisions and I respect my decisions. They are mine after all.
I found myself in a crossroad and I respect what my heart desires.
My plan is to work, raise money and leave for Spain in February.
I am peaceful and serene. There's no rush and there is no expectation. There has been turbulance inside of me. But it's all clear now. And the people that really love me still support me whatever I decide. That is what I call pure, unconditional loving. And everyday I try to love myself unconditionally. There is a certain power in that.
Have I failed some of you? I am really sorry but this is not about you. It's about me. And my love for myself. I hope everyone had this attitude for themselves. This would definately be a better world.
So, I'll go back, feel the warm welcome and leave again.
And before I leave Italy, I'm going to spend some time in Rome, which I have never seen. And that will be my next adventure!
First let me thank you for bringing me here, in this Italian home, where food is mostly homemade and delicious. Thank you for letting me travel to Italy to live in a farm and pick up olives. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to see the process of making olive oil, the tastier and healthier of all oils. Thank you for letting me sleep in this cosy little wooden hut behind the barn, where I can sit and write, listen to the pouring rain and the horses neighing.
Thanks for the images, the smells, the people, the action, the beauty, the abundance, the warmth and the change.
At times it was hard physically and mentally and financially. But you helped me overcome the difficulties with grace and love and peace of mind.
Two months ago you helped me close my house, sell my things, find a home for my dog and embark on this trip. I thought I would not go back to Greece for a while. I thought I could live without my dog, without my boyfriend, without my parents and my sister, without my friends. I still think that.
But Christmas is coming and I would like to spend it with the people I know and love.
And I have a question for you.
Will I be doomed if I go back for a month and leave again in February? I know I want to go to Spain. Will I stop being a traveller if I spend the Christmas holidays with the ones that love me? Sometimes you say that I will fail you if I do. I am left with 200 euros in the bank.
Do I spend it for a ticket to Greece, where I know I will find a job and make some more money for my next trip, or do I spend it for a ticket to Spain, where I can volunteer and hope that money will come from a part-time job?
Both options are scary. The Greece option scares me, because I will have to face my family. I told them I don’t know when I’m coming back. They told me I will fail, that I’m a grown up and I should stop thinking like an adolescent. And I’m scared because they might be right. The Spain option scares me, because I don’t know if I will have the money. Will it be a painful experience because I haven’t solved certain unsolved issues?
Both options are great. The Greece option is great because I will see everybody and share my exciting news. The Spain option is great because I will see new things and experience new experiences.
So what do you advise me to do? There is a scale in my heart. Which side of the scale is heavier?
What if you have other plans for me that I haven’t even considered? What if I’m making a reality that I don’t even see coming?
As you can see, I’m confused. Don’t know what path to walk upon. Please help me make a decision. A decision that will not hurt me. A decision that will bring me joy. A decision that will express the true love you have for me.
Maybe I’m thinking too much and not feeling enough.
I might have been a little edgy on myself. I might have done things in a rush and I might have overreacted. Afraid that I might never leave. I have been agressive in deciding.
Today I went to another house in the countryside. They had just slaughtered a pig and they invited us to celebrate with them. We had pasta, beans, pork chops and boiled meat that would normally go into a sausage. This family consider themselves poor. But they are not. They have an extended family of animals, pigs, cows, goats and chickens. They eat their own animals. They know how to slaughter a pig, an art which runs for generations. They give thanks to the animal which will feed them for the rest of the year.
Being with them I realized I miss my family and its own rituals. Every family has rituals. That keeps them together. You can leave the family, but the rituals will follow you always. They give you a sense of belonging.
Dear self,
I think I have made up my mind.
If this job doesn’t open up tomorrow, I’m going to spend my last money to go back to Greece. And then prepare for the next step. Which will either be Spain or Africa. Everything in its own good time.
And close to a decision. I really have to make a decision. Do I go back home for Christmas or do I go to Spain? Do I choose something safe, or do I put myself through yet another financial agony and step into the void?
The job hasn't opened up yet. I don't want to stay in Italy if things do not open up. If they don't, it means the circle has come to a close. I have seen enough beautiful pictures and done enough exhiting things and made wonderful new friends.
I really have to search my intention for my next choice.
I'll come back. It seems that the answers come when I write them down.
Meanwhile, you can enjoy the morning mist from my porch every frozen morning...
Believe it or not, this is a Broccoli. The Italians call it Broccolo di Natale, Christmas Broccoli. Isn't it a piece of art? Nature is teaching us aesthetics. It's a great teacher of perfection. And a great teacher of abundance. I mean, I am here in a land, which could be anywhere, which is fertile. Many things are being born, weeds, greenery, plants, with little or no help from the human hand.
Where is the crisis in that? Cows are giving birth, pigs too. Everyone, everything in nature lives effortlessly.
The temperature keeps falling and the winter seems to be the most beautiful season there is. Walking around the town of Tuscania, the light of the afternoon was so beautiful, a great grey sky and just a little bit of sun giving the most dramatic results. And here I am, trying to capture the uncapturable (is there such a word?). Trying to keep the magic of the moment with a photograph... I mean the trees, the birds, the light... All of it is a piece of art!
And then, still walking around town a small guy is greeting me. Well, actually he is hiding from me. Or hiding from something I can't even think of. Or not hiding at all. Whatever it is it's just beautiful. Another click!
Life is full of small miracles. Do we stop and appreciate them? Life is full of pieces of art. Even when I was back in Athens, I could still find small miracles, small evidences of life's beauty. Everywhere I go, I try to appreciate the beauty and richness of life. And smile a lot. I smile to everyone and they usually smile back.
Today I realised I have been here for six weeks. When you stay at a place long enough, you connect better. You follow the life of the family you are staying with. I am still having the time of my life, especially when I am playing with a certain two-year-old baby. She's so funny and fun! All children have an endless capacity to play. I'm trying to reach my inner child and play along. The result is laugs and giggles and a lot of screaming and running around laughing! This last photograph is with her. The perfect manicure! For both of us!
Have fun everybody! Laughter is just around the corner!
That was the thermomerer's verdict this morning at 8 in the morning.
It's getting very cold.
Four days now i have not picked one olive because of the rain. I'm not complaining! Instead I am working at Lorenzo's little shop in Tuscania, we are filling cans of the new oil and labelling them. Hundreds and thousants of cans to be filled, labelled and boxed...
They look pretty on the shelves. They taste even better when opened! These cans have oil from the olives I helped pick. They have a certain energy of joy. Hope that people will feel it when they try it.
The relationship. Yes. I do want a relationship with that certain man. We have to reset our priorities. Work a little bit harder to make common plans. Maybe travel together at some point. But this, now is my project. The project of travelling. I need to take my time and feel comfortable in the travelling position. To feel like a real traveller.
My main fear was to return. I need to feel the safety in returning and leaving again. That was my main fear in accepting to prticipate in the relationship. This project, right now, does not have space for the relationship. It has only space for myself. Even if it sounds egoistic, I have to take my time with myself to feel comfortable in these shoes. I'll finish what I came here for. That means at least two months away from home. Greece. That means Christmas in Italy. For me it's exhiting.
I have overcome the fear of returning. I can stay in Athens for a month and then leave again. What's wrong with that? Nothing.
Let's see what happens with the job...
In the meantime, let me talk to you about somehting I have never talked to you before. Food! Yes, yesterday I drunk the most amazing, thick, dark, hot chocolate I had ever had. It was like drinking hot gelato!
PS, thanks for reading, thanks for commenting, thanks for being so supportive! When people tell me about my writing and my photographs, I feel grateful. Grateful for all these gifts that you give me when I need them. All these beautiful words... thank you for my heart!
Inside: A heater. Warm clothes. Hot coffee. Thoughts running. Last night’s dream. It involved a horse who wouldn’t listen and swimming in the sea with my clothes on. Soft music. Safety. Warmth.
Outside: Cold wind. Rain on the roof. Humidity. Mud. Smells of the countryside. Wet olive trees which will not be harvested today.
Winter is beautiful. The eucalyptus trees outside my room are dancing their dance of wind and rain. My day is silent and warm. The past few days are filled with a dominant question. Can one travel and still have a loving relationship with the one that is left behind? Someone who is far away? I’m searching deep inside for an answer. Do I want a relationship or not? I’ve left a family behind. Adonis, my boyfriend, Freeda, my dog, Miguelito, his cat and Michelangelo, his canary. They all live together. And I am in Italy. In the middle of the winter.
It seems I am far away. All four of them are in my heart. I miss them and I don’t dare think about it. Why? Because it might mean that my travelling will end once I accept the fact I miss them. I might go back and never leave again.
Or it might mean that my family is there to support me. To say goodbye every time I want to leave. To give me a big hug when I want to come back. Loving and supporting me whatever I decide. My previous experiences make me say a big NO. My previous experiences say that it will be a big mistake. No relationship can survive when one is far away. My heart says the opposite. What if you remain loyal? What if both parties remain loyal to each other and have fulfilling lives while they are apart? Why not break the rules? Why not live life according to your heart and emotions? Instead of living your life according to your previous painful experiences? Diving into the unknown might prove the smartest thing to do.
Sometimes I wish there could be a magic button. I could push it and all the answers would come to me.
Winter in Italy. Afternoon. Silence.
It’s still raining. It’s very windy and cold and grey. Outside. Today is my first proper Sunday in a month. In bed all day, alone with my thoughts. (Although nobody believes me cause I’m such a talker!) Afternoon tea and biscuits. Jazz sounds from my laptop. I feel blessed. I have been praying for a day of doing nothing at all.
I wonder why I’m getting so personal in my blog. Is anyone interested in the internal struggles of a traveller? Why do I care so much? Sometimes I feel embarrassed of getting so personal. And then I think that my personal struggles might help someone revise their own life. I might help someone think like that. Ask the whys and answer them. There is no magic button. There is only internal wisdom. And mistakes are unavoidable.
What is a mistake after all? To make a decision and live with its results. No one can judge that. And if one does not like the results, one can choose again. We are free to choose. The only one restraining us is our own self. Every day we make a decision. A loving decision or a painful decision.
As far as my relationship is concerned I have to make a decision. At the moment, not making a decision is a decision I make. What is it that I decide? To postpone. To gain time. Instead of facing my issue.
The truth is I still love him. I still miss him. And I know he is the only person in my life who approves, besides my sister. He is strong enough to live through any decision I make.
I'll wait for now. I will not decide.
I will just indulge in my days off. Have a wonderful winter!
I look back at what I did and I'm proud. Two months in Italy. Tuscania, Assisi, Viterbo, Rome. Living with Italians. Tasting the food. Working really hard until I crashed. This trip showed me a lot. Next time I will travel lighter. Next time I will go to a place which requires less work. Next time I will have money to last me. For a week, for a month, for as long as it takes. Now I know it's not that easy to find a job abroad.
After walking around a bit and enjoying the sun, I decided to go up at St Peter’s Basilica. I was sure the view from up there would be great... So, here I am, standing in the queue one more time... waiting and waiting... until finally I can go up. 550 stairs without the lift. 350 with the lift. I went with the second option. So up we go, me and everyone else. Higher and higher to a dizzying small staircase. There was a stop just under the basilica, inside the church. I could see all these little people walking around the church underneath me. Christian extravaganza!
I was told I sould avoid the famous Fontana di Trevi because it's too crowded with people. But I still went because there was nothing else I could think about doing. And it was full of tourists. Still, it was a big, beautiful fountain.
The verdict. St. Peter's is the epitome of exaggeration. The biggest, the highest, the whateverest. Full of gold, full of marble, full of pope's statues. The only thing that I really admired was Michelangelo's Pieta and it's so small and delicate compared to everything else in the church. he was very young when he made it and it's really beautiful. Other than that, it was the church saying you little people, you better respect us because we are so big and rich... Anyway, I don't want to be too bitchy, all the superstars of the Renaissance made something for that church. Michelangelo and the rest.
And then I walked around. For hours and hours. Rome by night. I followed the crowds to Piazza Navona. It had all the founains and it was beautiful but full of stalls selling stuff for tourists. it was packed with people and I guess the Romans were out too since it's a Sunday.
I am free to decide whatever my heart desires. I got my ticket for Greece and I am so happy! I can actually meet my friends, share all my experiences and takee my time before I go somewhere else!
I am peaceful and serene. There's no rush and there is no expectation. There has been turbulance inside of me. But it's all clear now. And the people that really love me still support me whatever I decide. That is what I call pure, unconditional loving. And everyday I try to love myself unconditionally. There is a certain power in that.
And before I leave Italy, I'm going to spend some time in Rome, which I have never seen. And that will be my next adventure!
Two months ago you helped me close my house, sell my things, find a home for my dog and embark on this trip. I thought I would not go back to Greece for a while. I thought I could live without my dog, without my boyfriend, without my parents and my sister, without my friends. I still think that. 
That was the thermomerer's verdict this morning at 8 in the morning.
My main fear was to return. I need to feel the safety in returning and leaving again. That was my main fear in accepting to prticipate in the relationship. This project, right now, does not have space for the relationship. It has only space for myself. Even if it sounds egoistic, I have to take my time with myself to feel comfortable in these shoes. I'll finish what I came here for. That means at least two months away from home. Greece. That means Christmas in Italy. For me it's exhiting. 
It seems I am far away. All four of them are in my heart. I miss them and I don’t dare think about it. Why? Because it might mean that my travelling will end once I accept the fact I miss them. I might go back and never leave again. 
It’s still raining. It’s very windy and cold and grey. Outside. Today is my first proper Sunday in a month. In bed all day, alone with my thoughts. (Although nobody believes me cause I’m such a talker!) Afternoon tea and biscuits. Jazz sounds from my laptop. I feel blessed. I have been praying for a day of doing nothing at all. 
