6 reasons to panic + 4 reasons not to

Last night I almost let the terror sink in.

I informed my land lady that I am leaving the house. She was already pissed off because I hadn’t paid the rent. Of course I don’t have to pay for September since it’s the deposit I gave when I first moved in. I offered to leave my air-conditioning system in the house as compensation.

I panicked

One – Because I haven’t paid electricity and water bills in ages. They sum up to the amount of a whole rent.

Two – Because she was pissed off.

Three – My decision to leave my house became more concrete. It’s an actual fact. I will not have a house from the 1^st of October.

Four – Because I started thinking of all these stuff I have in closets and drawers which have to come out in the light. I have to decide which I will keep and which I will sell.

Five – Will I have enough time to do all this?

Six – Will I have enough money to go to Italy?

I cried and asked for help. Silently. To whoever is watching me out there. Right now Italy is nothing but a dream. I haven’t got the tickets. I haven’t even got the money for tickets. It’s very easy to abandon everything just like that. Yes, that’s the easy way out. But I made a promise to myself. I will not abandon so easily. I promise that, in two weeks, I will have everything I need to travel. 

I am not whining. I have made some steps to raise money.

One – I have taken on a four day job.

Two – I am setting up a bazaar at home next week to sell my stuff.

Three – I am applying for writing jobs around the globe.

Four – I have a solid faith in myself and people. I have promised I will do my best and I am doing my best.

Writing makes me feel better. Like talking to a therapist. Doing it publicly may be selfish but I don’t care. Imagine if I make it! Imagine coming back to these words to find out that they were nothing but useless fears… It’s a record. A record of success or failure. Whatever it is, it’s just my story. The story of a girl who dares to dream big and step up to meet her own great, true self.