Τετάρτη, 8 Σεπτεμβρίου 2010

Letter to my dad

Here is a letter that my dad will never read because he does not know the existence of this blog and he does not read English.

Dear dad

I know you have worked really hard to raise me. I know you have worked really hard to provide me with a decent education. I know you have been there when it was difficult.

And because of that, you now expect me to be the daughter you really wanted. I don't really know how is the daughter you always wanted. But she is definitely not me. She is someone else. My choises are different than the daughter you always wanted.

And now I can not even talk to you because you think I have betrayed you. My teacher says you will help me if I talk to you from the heart. But I cannot do this. I cannot tell you about all those things that excite me. I cannot tell you about all my plans that make me happy. Because these are the plans and dreams of someone else and not of the daughter you expected. I feel really sorry about the fact that I cannot speak to you. Oh, how I would like to share my dreams with you!

But you don't agree... That's what you said the last time. I was all excited back then, when I was telling you about my dream... And all you said was that you disagree... That I'm in my mid thirties and I don't have a husband yet! Well, I am really sorry I disappointed you. I am really sorry I have to lie all the time. I am sorry I am too scared to talk to you.

I wish I could tell you the truth. I wish you believed at me. I really need your support, not only finacially. I need your approval. I know I am a grown up now and I shouldn't need your approval. I am sharing my thoughts and dreams with strangers and they think I'm brave and they are supportive. And I can't see support because you are not there to support me...

I meet all these fathers and daughters that have become friends over the years. They might have their ups and downs but they are together. And I'm jealous. Because I too want to share all these wonderful plans with you... Italy and Africa and the fact that I want to travel to the whole world. It is because of you that I have become so adventurus and brave. It is you who taught me to always be brave and explore. And now the product of your upbringing does not fit the image you have created in your mind.

I am really sorry. I wish it was different.

I guess once more I have to take the little girl that lives inside me and tell her it's gonna be ok. Take her by the hand and walk with her in our joyous path. I have to tell her that even if dad doesn't love us anymore, we have each other. We don't need a dad to listen. We don't need a dad to support us. We will do what we have decided to do. Live outside the rules. Live a happy life. Live.

6 σχόλια:

  1. Being related by blood doesn't mean that we always get along, does it. The very people whom we need the most to love us and approve of us, are often the people who seem to understand and accept us the least.
    But if there is one thing I have learned in life it is that pleasing others doesn't always guarantee that you will be happy in yourself.
    I think your Dad is the one missing out here.

    ΑπάντησηΔιαγραφή
  2. Thanks Lyn...

    It's such a pity isn't it. For him I mean and not for me! I still hope though, that the more I am true to myself the more he will change his behavior. Thank god I have been in therapy all these years! At least now I don't have any expectations. I'm so happy for my decisions which I know won't please some. Especially my family who think I'm giving up on them. It's ok, there is a whole family of strangers out there (including you) who will give me the support I need.
    Thanks for reading!

    ΑπάντησηΔιαγραφή
  3. Reading this I thought "lucky girl she has a dad!". I don't have one, never missed his presence until I was 35 (always thought dads opress people). Then I started thinking "If I had a father... I would have support, advice.. We would...". Anyway.
    If this dad raised a girl like you, I'm sure he'll come around. You'll fight, you'll be OK.
    Good luck,
    Salonica

    PS:
    I am a mother of a two-year old girl. And thinking ahead "What if my little girl decides to go around the world? How will I feel?"

    PS2:
    Also thinking back: "Why didn't *I* do it? Back when it was easier?" Shit....

    ΑπάντησηΔιαγραφή
  4. Dear Salonica,
    Yes, he'll come around. I'll go see him this weekend. To say goodbye. He will understand. I know he is proud of me for being such a fighter. He is just too proud to say it. I love him and he loves me. And yes, I'm lucky to have a dad. Thanks for all the support and your kind words. Take care of yourself and your little one. It's not easy, but you'll make it. It's never too late to make your dreams come true...
    Love and light
    elina

    ΑπάντησηΔιαγραφή
  5. I have a huge question for you.
    How do you picture yourself when you are 50? I know it's far away but...
    It's a huge question for me, that's why I am asking. For inspiration.
    (do I dare to ask about 60?)
    So many thanks,
    Salonica

    ΑπάντησηΔιαγραφή
  6. 16 years from now... Hmm let me set my imagination...
    A famous freelance writer who travels and lives everywhere in the world. One year here, the other year there...
    2 published books and a film on the way.
    Yes, I do dare to dream big.
    And it's all going to be reported right here, in this blog!
    Thank for asking
    elina

    ΑπάντησηΔιαγραφή